How do you choose a donor?

Rachel Corbett: 00:00:02

Hello. Welcome to Me & My Tiny Human. I am Rachel Corbett. Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about finding a donor because everybody wants to know about it. I’ll start off by saying that sometimes people ask, “Was it like a dating profile?”

And I’m like, I think it’s a little dangerous to go into this process feeling like you’re dating this person. That feels a little fraught with danger because this is a stranger who donated his sperm to a sperm bank overseas. And I am just lucky enough to be able to have a baby because he was generous enough to donate his sperm. And that’s as complicated as I feel it needs to get. Otherwise, it just gets a little weird. But I was very, skeptical is not the right word.

What is the right word? I was concerned at some points when I was going through all of the donor lists. As I said in the last episode, the process is fairly long. I incorrectly thought that there was just one sperm bank that every doctor in the world tapped into, but every single clinic recruits its own sperm donors or might have a relationship with an existing sperm bank. And so you end up, or I ended up going with a clinic and a fertility specialist entirely based on the donors because they had access to a donor bank overseas. And there were just more options and more choices. That was what I felt comfortable with. On the other lists, in Australia, people don’t get paid. You’ve really got to find people who are into this out of the goodness of their own heart. And if you’re going to take a bit of time out of your day to go and answer all of these questions and go through a counselling session and then go and deposit your bits and pieces and have it all tested and, like, it’s quite a lot that you need to go through as a donor.

So it’s a lovely thing that people go through this process in an attempt to help people who might be having difficulty having a baby. I think it’s a really wonderful thing that people do, but there just aren’t as many people in Australia as there are in other parts of the world. And so I ended up going with an American Cryobank. And you could at least search for options. When you’re having a baby, there’s all sorts of reasons that you might want to say, I want them to have blonde hair because your partner might have blonde hair and they might not be able to use their sperm, or they might not have any sperm and so you might want to enter that in.

I found that kind of process good. I wasn’t interested in brown hair, blue eyes, all of that kind of stuff. But the information that this particular bank gave me was much more in keeping with my love of research and info. So there was lots of stuff there, all of their medical history. They’d write a little essay, they’d answer all of these questions.

In this one, you could hear audio of them talking, which was interesting to hear their voice. But honestly, the questions and the answers weren’t terribly insightful, bless the lovely nurses who were interviewing them. I mean, they’re not Michael Parkinson, right. So they’re not really diving deep. And I guess this person’s turned up and they’re about to go and jizz in a cup, so they’re not going to be asking them really deep life questions.

But some of the questions were, what’s your favourite food? And I’m like, if I’m choosing a donor off the basis of them liking spaghetti bolognese, what. This is not what I need to know. I need to know if this person is nice. Are they kind?

Do they care about other people? I don’t care if they like lasagna. It doesn’t matter to me. But it was nice that they had the audio recorded. It’s nice to hear people’s voices, they also had a bit of a blurb.

Sometimes people would write a poem or write a song or any number of ways that they could express themselves. And for me, with the donor that I ended up choosing, it was that section that really appealed to me. The thing that I found tough, I was looking at donor profiles for months before I chose somebody. I was doubtful that I would be able to get a sense of the person that they were.

From their profile. Yes, I could see their medical history and all of that kind of stuff. And people had told me before, plenty of things about nurture, not nature. So as long as they’ve got a healthy medical history, then the rest you can take care of. But I wanted to know that this person was a good person.

I think you can have a wonderful medical history and you might still be an asshole. And I didn’t want to bring those qualities into the world if I could help it. And I was scared that I wasn’t going to be able to feel like I could find that. But when I found this donor and what he had written in his answers and in this one piece of writing in particular, as soon as I read it, I knew this is the person that I want to choose. The thing that got me, I’m not going to tell in detail because it could be identifiable, not particularly for him because there’s no name information, but just it’s quite a unique story.

So I feel like maybe if anybody listening is like, oh, my gosh, that’s my donor too. That’s kind of a bit weird. I probably don’t want to reveal that. But he was telling this story, and the essence of the story he told at the end, his conclusion was that he felt that when you are unselfconsciously drawn to something, it is one of the most blissful things. And I was like, that is so true, because I often like things, and I am drawn to people who aren’t afraid to like embarrassing things.

And by embarrassing, I mean, it’s not even embarrassing. I like people who don’t feel like they have to be cool all the time. And this gave me that vibe. Those are the kind of people I am drawn to. That is the kind of person I want my daughter to be.

I don’t want her to feel like she’s got to be cool all the time. I want her to feel like she can embrace and enjoy things that are silly and maybe traditionally embarrassing. I want her to feel proud of those things and joyful about connecting with things that you like. I think that’s a magical thing when you find those things. And it is ridiculous to me that there are things in life that we’re supposed to be embarrassed about liking or that we wouldn’t tell because it’s not cool enough.

I’m just like, ugh, what an awful way to live your life and what an awful thing to teach your kid. For me, the things that are uncool are always the things that bring me the most joy. Being cool is just, shit. I look at people who are cool, and I’m like, I don’t want to have a beer with you. You seem really obnoxious.

Incredibly obnoxious, and I just ain’t got time for that. So that was the thing that I just read. And I was like, this is the person for me. As soon as I read that, and I was then going over and over and over the profile, it just all clicked into place for me. You get a lot of information, particularly at the place that I went to.

You get photos, not of them as adults because you’re not able to identify them, but of them as kids. And I think that’s really cool because then you can see, I don’t know, there’s something about photos of kids, that light behind their eyes. You can see, do you have kindness there? Those things are really useful when you’re looking, I think. And then when I met Olivia, I think one of the things that scared me in the lead up to having a kid with donor sperm is that sense that you don’t know this person at all and you don’t know whether you’re going to like the person that you give birth to.

I’m sure you love them, but I’m sure that there are plenty of parents that have a kid who’s really colicky, and you’re just like, I don’t like you very much because you’re screaming at me 24 hours a day. And this is just not the way that I enjoy people’s company. I don’t want to be screamed at all day. And so I was interested to see what kind of qualities she would have and what kind of qualities were mine and what qualities were his and whether I could identify, because I know nothing about this person, whether there were any things that were going to spring up, that I was going to go, I don’t like that.

And I’m sure I’d be like, well, that’s the donor, not me. But when I met her, ever since the very first day, I have just really liked who she is. And I’m sure people say that about their babies all the time. So you’re like, oh, great. Wow, you like your own kid.

What a revelation. Thanks for telling me, thanks for making me listen to all of this audio to get to this bloody nugget of nothing. And I get it, but I just knew from something she did in the hospital really early. I mean, she was a day old, and in my mind, I would be seeing this stuff, and I could see resilience. I could see it.

She came out via c-section. So, the gross thing is they don’t get squeezed out the tube, so they’re full of mucus. Mmmm Childbirth. So she was just really coughing and spluttering and finding it difficult to breathe sometimes. It’s very hard to watch as a parent, but watching her push through it, she never cried. I mean don’t get me wrong, girl loves to cry from time to time. She’s not one of those babies, oh, gosh, she never cried.

She was just perfect. Like, really? I don’t believe that to be true. My kid’s pretty good, but, mate, she cries.

She loves a good cry. But I would see her cough and be trying to breathe and she would be looking at me like “I got it, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna get out the other side.” And then she’d get out the other side and I’m like, oh, mate, I can see something in you. And because I’d never done this before.

I don’t know if that’s a nuts thing to say, and maybe it is, I don’t know. But I could just see this kid is resilient. She has something in her, and that has stayed true every single step along the way. She has continually proved to me the type of person that she is, and I am just so excited the more she reveals herself to me. And it’s interesting now, and really, since I had her, I’ve not really ever thought that much about the donor.

Honestly, during the pregnancy, I didn’t really think much about it. It’s something that helps you get through to that point. And it’s then kind of, well, at least in my experience, that was then and this is now. And I certainly know that in the future, if she wants to contact him and get his contact details, I think that’s possible. And I would welcome that.

I am going to be very, very honest with her from the get go. As soon as she is able to ask questions or is interested, I will let her know that this is the way that we did things because I don’t want her to feel ashamed about it. I don’t want her to feel like it’s something that I wouldn’t be honest about because why would I not be honest about it? Why is it not something I can be proud of? And to tell her that she should be proud of that, too.

And I think the fact that it was a stranger to me was so brilliantly uncomplicated because of the conversation that I’m going to have with her. I’m sure there’s going to be identity issues, right? She’s a daughter of a single mom. While this is very normal now, and thank goodness, and I’m sure I’m not going to be the only solo mum in her class at school when she eventually goes to school, but there is a sense that we are not the traditional family. And so I’m sure that there will still be questions about that, even though it won’t be so strange when she is growing up and going to school. And I already knew there’d be a lot of identity, things that I had to explain to her and that she might have questions about things or feel unsure about stuff.

And when a few of my friends and I were talking about the potential of maybe having them donate, I think to me that really became scary the more I thought about it, because I thought, well, if you’re in her life, even if it’s not regularly, but you turn up, because you are in my life and you are uncle john or uncle ben or uncle whoever, and you are not her parent, you’re not involved in raising her. And then in 15 years, you, or however many years it comes out that you are actually the donor in a child’s mind, I’m sure there would be a sense of, but why didn’t he tell me he was my dad? Well, he’s not your dad, but he was just kind enough to give me the sperm. How do you explain that to a kid? How do you make that kid feel like it’s not that he didn’t want you or didn’t want to be involved.

Me trying to get my head around that, I still can’t do it. And I know there are people who’ve done that successfully. I think if you have that person involved, it’s a lot easier. But at least the friends that I knew, they didn’t want to be involved. They were happy to be in my life, but they didn’t want to be a parent.

They were really just going to do me a solid. And I just felt like, oh, this is going to complicate things so much. Whereas now it’s a very simple thing. Men very kindly go and donate their sperm to help people like me who really want a child who don’t have the other bits to mix in the test tube to do it. And so that’s it. You can meet this person if you want to, but they’re not technically your father. Even though they’re genetically kind of half you, they haven’t looked after you. And I think that separation is much easier in my mind to explain to somebody than somebody turning up to our house for a couple of margaritas.

And then all of a sudden, Uncle Ben is my dad? I don’t know how to navigate that, honest to God. I already don’t have somebody to troubleshoot shit with on the couch. I don’t need to be working out how to dish this information out to you in a manner that’s not going to screw you up for the rest of your life. I don’t.

Let’s go with the simple option. Let’s go and get somebody from overseas, far, far away. And I’m pretty sure I’ve got the intellectual capacity to work out how to explain this bit to you. And that’s where we landed. So if you are wondering if you can actually look through a profile and a brochure and no, it’s not like Internet dating.

You know, people often say that to me “is it like” no, it’s not like going through Tinder and swiping left and right. You’re not dating these people. It’s not like Internet dating at all. It’s like reading a catalog for sperm. It’s very.

It’s just a lot of information and just you wondering whether you’re going to find the right person. But I have now had quite a few people, friends of mine, go through this process, and everybody got to a point where they were like, “This is really exciting!”. I’ve chosen the person, and I think the potential of that and that moment when you do feel like I’m really excited and comfortable and happy with this, then that’s a really magic moment because then you can move forward into the next phase of actually making this person and doing it. So that’s it. That’s my donor story.

If you have any questions about that, please head to the description of the episode. Click the link. Submit a question, more than happy to answer them. And yeah, so glad that I chose the person I did and that my little person is who she is. Because as soon as I met her, I was like, you were supposed to be with me.

Made me sad in a good way. She’s the best. Okay. All right, we’ll go and have a weep. Why not?

It sounds like the right way to finish this podcast. And I’ll see you in the next episode. Bye.