Can you ever really be ready to have a baby?

:: 00:02

Hello. Welcome to Me And My Tiny Human. Today's episode is all about this idea of whether you're ever really ready. And, God, people say that to you a lot when you talk about getting yourself ready. And because it did take me a while to get my head right, and because I was approaching 40 and then over 40, I mean, the number of people that ask you if you're gonna get it together, like, yeah, I'm doing it.

:: 00:27

I'm doing it in my own time, if you don't mind. And I'm also not a moron. People often talk to you like, you have absolutely no idea about the limitations of a woman's fertility. And you're like, have I been living under a rock? I've been looking at this stuff and going to doctor's appointments since I was in my early thirties.

:: 00:45

I've frozen my eggs twice. I've literally done everything I could possibly do. So I get it. And now I'm just trying to get myself to a space where if I have a baby, I'm not terrified about the goddamn thing. All right?

:: 00:57

I do believe you can get yourself to a point where you're ready. And when people would say to me, oh, you're never really ready, when I told them that I was trying to do that, it always had, to me, the whiff of somebody who probably had a baby when they weren't ready. And then after the baby came, I mean, they came around to it, right? Cause how you not gonna love this thing that you create? But in the lead up, they just really weren't all that ready.

:: 01:21

And I always felt that was a bit patronising, because to me, that says, how could you possibly know yourself well enough to know when you were ready to have a baby? And I was like, how can you not know yourself well enough? Like, I don't think you can ever be prepared to have a baby. I don't think you can ever be an expert, especially if you've done it never, like I had. I don't think that you can have all the answers, but do I think you can be ready to take on the challenges?

:: 01:47

Yes, of course you can. So that was really frustrating to me during that time leading up, because I found just that, a very unhelpful comment. I was like, if you don't mind. It just made me feel like people were saying, just hurry up. Just do it now.

:: 02:00

I'm like, well, you do it now. This is my life. Do you mind if I wait until I'm ready? And also, if I can't have a kid, because I've waited too long. Believe me, I've spent thousands of dollars in therapy over the years.

:: 02:13

I have prepared myself fully, mentally, emotionally, you name it, for the outcome of, if I have waited too long, this might not happen for me. I'm not an idiot, but I'm also not the type of person that, if it doesn't happen, would rewrite history in a way that I think if I went back to my 35 year old self, I would be fine to have a baby, because I wouldn't. If I had had a baby any earlier than I was ready to have a baby, yes, of course I would have cared for that baby. I would have loved that baby, but it just would not have been the same experience for me because I would not have stepped into it with the confidence and the sort of preparedness that I did when it was actually time to do it. And there was nothing magical about that moment.

:: 02:58

I was really just going on with my business. I knew that it was something in my mind that I wanted to do. I knew that I had to kind of catch up and get there, you know, and feel that right time in my gut. So I just did the sort of admin. I feel like if you just take one step after another, eventually your body and your mind kind of catches up with you.

:: 03:16

So I was probably meeting with fertility specialists for, like, a year and a half before I actually went and started the whole process, actually went into IVF. And a lot of that was like a fact finding mission, because when I started out, I kind of thought there was just one central sperm bank, and all of the doctors just, like, borrowed from that sperm bank or not borrowed. You can't give it back, really, can you? I'm sorry.

:: 03:41

It's inside me now, and it is another person, so I can't give it back. But I was so wrong about that. I didn't actually realise. And so I would go and I would meet these fertility specialists. And the truth is that every single fertility specialist or clinic has their own donor list.

:: 03:57

So often they will be individually trying to recruit donors. And the number of people on those lists, especially in Australia, are sometimes tiny. And there are obviously a lot of people that are trying to get donor sperm. And so, you know, you have one person comes on the list every three months, and everyone's like. Like shark on a carcass.

:: 04:17

So it was actually really difficult. And I found, as somebody who does, I gotta say, like, choice, you know, it's one of the things that I am very passionate in my life. About everything that I do is about building a life where I have choice. And so the idea that I kind of didn't have choice in this one of, well, if not, I think probably the biggest decision of my life, it was nuts. So I think I probably met with like six different fertility specialists at different clinics.

:: 04:46

So that's six different clinics or five or six clinics because I wanted to be on all the donor lists because I wanted to make sure that I had options. And the donor list and the clinic I ended up going with, they actually have a donor list overseas. So it was a very different scenario, I think, because people don't get paid here to do it so there aren't many options. I believe, in the States, I think they put them in university towns and that's where people go because they can get a couple of extra hundred bucks or whatever it costs, I think.

:: 05:13

But the process of choosing in the States was so much easier. I felt in Australia when put in your criteria all you had to do was say heartbeat, because essentially, if you narrowed the criteria down to any more, there'd be nobody on the books. Whereas when you go overseas, you can be much more particular about what kind of qualities or characteristics you're looking for, especially if, like a same sex couple sometimes, like, my friends had a baby by a donor sperm and one of them was carrying the baby and it was her egg and the other partner wanted that baby to look like her, which is totally reasonable. So then you can sort of say, well, blonde hair, blue eyes, because that's what my partner looks like.

:: 05:51

So those kind of things become much more possible when you have a bigger pool of donors. And so, yeah, I started the process of going to those appointments and I think also, like, choosing the person that you want to do this with from a fertility specialist perspective. Like, sometimes it's a bit tough because obviously you have to be guided by the clinic and the donor list. But I do think that's actually really important because I ended up changing doctors at the clinic I did this process with because I just wasn't sold on the original person. You know, this is a pretty intimate, involved process.

:: 06:27

I was sure it could get emotional and I was also conscious that I was doing it solo, so I wanted to feel like this was somebody who felt comfortable with, basically. And so I was just doing that process behind the scenes and stepping through the motions and feeling like, you know, at least when my mind and my body and my emotions catch up, the due diligence will have been done, because the process is actually really long. It does take a long time from that very first I'm sitting down, having a conversation with a doctor to actually going through the IVF process. So I was glad that that was all done by the time I had actually started. And then I went on about 19 holidays, too, in the lead up, because I kept saying, oh, you know, I'll just go on the last holiday and just, you know, really just enjoy myself.

:: 07:18

And then I'd sort of come back from that holiday, and I was like, hmm, not really ready yet. Maybe I'll go on another holiday. I was just very conscious of trying to holiday as much as I could because I knew holidaying would not be easy once the baby came. And I came back from the final trip that I did over to Ningaloo Reef in Western Australia. I had wanted to dive there for ever since I'd started diving years and years ago.

:: 07:40

And there was just something spiritual about that place. There was something great about the experience. And when I got back, I started looking through the donor lists, and I had been looking over the time, but I never really found anybody. And I will go in depth a little bit more about that process of choosing and how I decided on the person. Because honestly, halfway three quarters through the process, I thought to myself, am I ever going to really be able to find someone that I feel excited about using?

:: 08:13

I don't mean that in that sense, but it's very hard to find the right terminology when you're talking about this. I don't mean using someone. I just mean when you can't see that person or you don't know that person. And for me, bringing a child into the world, it was very much about if I was with a partner. I wanted to be with a partner where I was like, oh, I want to bring a part of you into the world.

:: 08:36

Like, you have characteristics that I think would be magic in a child. And it's very hard when you're just reading through a dossier to determine that. And I was doubtful I ever would. And so that really made me fearful that I wouldn't ever be excited about the process. But I did get to that point, and I will explain in another episode, focused on that, about how I felt like I got to that point.

:: 09:00

But once I got back from that holiday, I ended up looking. I found a donor. I was really excited. I had shared it with a friend of mine who was kind of helping me do a bit of background, and she was like, we found him. This is it.

:: 09:13

This is the guy. And that was a really exciting moment because I remember just feeling a sense of relief. I mean, for nothing more than the goddamn admin, you know, how many nights can you sit home with a glass of wine and just scroll through people's medical history?

:: 09:30

This is creepy. And also, like, I got better shit to do with my time. Can we just get on with it? So once I had found the person, I think that's probably where it felt a little bit more real, because then you feel like, okay, I could do this, and I'm excited about it. And then you have to use the sperm quite quickly.

:: 09:51

I think it's within six months or something, because obviously you can't just hold the sperm and then go ten years later. Maybe you've used it, maybe you haven't, because there are a lot of people on the list that are waiting, so you have to show an intention to use the sperm. If you do it the first time and it doesn't work, you can then take a break before you do it again. But I thought to myself, well, look, I'm 42. Was I 42 or 41?

:: 10:14

Yeah, I think I was 42 when I started, or 41. And great, that I can't remember. Just no idea when this happened. Who knows? I was some age and I thought, okay, well, I'll just get started because this is likely to take a while.

:: 10:30

And I started the injections. I'd gone through that process twice because I'd frozen my eggs twice. It was just like the implantation bit that I hadn't done before. And so I started the injections and God almighty. I mean a lot of people find them really hard.

:: 10:44

I didn't find them hard. I just found the whole process funny because sometimes I'd be sitting in the work toilet shoving a needle into my guts, and somebody next to me is just doing a wee, going about their business, and I'm then coming out trying to hide my syringe somewhere, and you're just like. I mean, honestly, the things that you do. So I just thought it was amusing and really kind of cool, honestly, to be a part of, to see so many people have babies this way, it is just an absolute miracle that we are even able to do this. Like, what a treat that I am on my own and able to have a baby when that would not have been possible for my mother.

:: 11:24

And absolutely magic to be able to experience that and see what it was like. Even though shoving a needle into your fat isn't the funnest of things to do, but you got to do some hard stuff to get the rewards, you know?

:: 11:41

So I decided to go forward with it, and you have to start on, like, the first day of your period. So I just thought, oh, well, look, we'll just give it a whack next period or whatever. So I called them up on that day, and they said, okay, great, you'll start your injections tomorrow, so you need to get your medication. And I looked at my diary, and the day next day was my mother's birthday. My mother passed away years ago, and she honestly would have been so proud and happy that I was doing this on my own.

:: 12:10

One of my most strong memories of her from the post divorce days was when we used to drive past anybody that was getting married. She would shout out the window, don't do it. I was like, at the time, I found it kind of funny and also, I mean, very embarrassing, but also kind of unhinged. I'm like, I don't think this is helpful for anyone, including us. Like, I think this is gonna scar me in a manner.

:: 12:41

And here I am x number of years later on my own with a baby. So you join the dots. But she would have been very excited by the whole prospect. I think she always wanted independence in a way that meant she had options and choice again, something that stuck in my brain, something I'm very obsessed about, and she would have just loved this. And I thought when I saw that the injections were starting on her birthday, I was like, oh, man, this has just all rolled out at the right time.

:: 13:11

And then after that point, everything just fell into place in a way that made it feel like I had done the right thing by waiting and getting my mind into the right space. And it wasn't. Nothing was perfect, but I just mean, for me, the challenges became much easier to overcome because you'd made a really conscious and intentional decision to enter into this. And then when things get thrown your way, you're like, well, this was my choice. I did this.

:: 13:43

It makes it much easier to overcome those things, which made it great during the first six weeks, which, again, I'll dedicate a full episode to. Cause that was hell. Oh, and the hospital. Oh, wordy, wordy, wordy. My goodness gracious.

:: 13:59

That was just so grim in an amusing way. Now, when I look back. But, my goodness, at the time, who even was I? I don't know, but, yeah, the whole process was really great. I felt like the pregnancy went really well.

:: 14:14

I think it's interesting. Apparently, you're not allowed to tell anybody that your pregnancy's going fine. I am always, when I'm talking to pregnant women before I had a baby, and afterwards, if somebody says to me, oh, it's a breeze, I'm like, that's amazing. Like, how great for you. That's so good.

:: 14:30

But for some people, when you say it's a breeze, they're like, oh, well, isn't it great for some. Hang on a minute. This is not a game of skill. I did not have an easy pregnancy because I'm better at pregnancy than anybody else. It is absolute luck of the draw.

:: 14:46

If the genetics had commingled in another way in that embryo, I could have been sick. There's all manner of things that can happen. It's got absolutely nothing to do with anything but luck and chance and all of that kind of mushing together. So the idea that if you have a good time of it, you're not allowed to say that. To me, it was just like, what the hell?

:: 15:07

What? Am I supposed to pretend that I hate this? And honestly, doing it by myself, I was like, thank God this is easy, because if I had have been going to work and having to leave a meeting room every 15 minutes to go and spew in the toilet, mentally, for me, going into this on my own, I think that would have had a very detrimental impact to how I felt this life was going to go. If it was really hard in the pregnancy, I just know that I would have really struggled and maybe doubted what I'd done. That might have been not the smartest thing to do or not, but I just know that is how I would have felt.

:: 15:48

And the fact that it didn't go that way and that I felt good and I was healthy and I was exercising and I was keeping fit, it just made me feel like, I can do this. I can do this on my own. I am capable. And for me, mentally, that was a gift. Honestly, that was such a lucky thing for me to have during that period, because without it, I feel like I would have gone into the start of my life with Olivia in a very different way.

:: 16:19

So I was very grateful for that and glad that the pregnancy was really good again. The birth was, like, fine, painful as all hell. But I had an epidural, like, pretty quickly, because, my God, why wouldn't you? When I had it, I was like, this is the best thing in the universe. Like, then I just watched MAFS with my best mate the whole day, and honestly was asking the doctor, like, am I doing anything?

:: 16:45

And he's like, yeah, your body's running a marathon right now. Cause I feel like I'm just, like, sitting here having a holiday. I feel like I'm not doing anything. But to me, again, what I cared about, because I was gonna be by myself, was just, like, resting as much as I could through a process where it's not very restful, so that I was as less exhausted on the other side as possible.

:: 17:05

Now, for me, that meant, let's have the epidural. I don't want to be pushing and grunting and flopping, because I can't hand this baby to anybody when I come out the other side. And that was really hard. And thank God I had just kind of had an easy lead into it. The problem was, I did end up having a C section.

:: 17:22

I did try, but she wasn't coming down the other pipe. So we took her out the sunroof, and that was really hard, because then I couldn't move, basically, for six weeks. And when you're on your own and you live in an apartment with no elevator and you can't get the pram down the stairs, I mean, that's a fast track to postnatal depression right there. So that was really difficult. But everything through that process meant that the stuff that came on the other side in that really hard period.

:: 17:50

And to be honest, I don't think I probably felt like I enjoyed it until about eight months. It took that long. Even though I had gone back to work at four months. It really did take me a while to feel like I was enjoying it, I loved her to bits, and knew I would eventually like it, but I wasn't a mad fan of it in the early days. But the fact that I was ready and the fact that I had gotten my mind to that place was the only thing that got me through that entire time.

:: 18:18

Because not once did I think to myself, I wish I hadn't done this, or I wish I'd waited longer. And those ideas can easily creep into your mind in the darkest of moments. And I didn't ever want to feel that way. And I can understand why women feel that way. I can understand why women look at their child and say, I can't bond with you.

:: 18:41

I can understand every single thing that happens in those early weeks, months, because it is just an absolute mind and body f*ck. It really screws with every single bit of you because you are so out of control, and your just kind of along for the ride, and you're sleep deprived and desperately trying to keep a human alive and also keep yourself alive and mentally well. And it is really difficult. But I feel like getting to that point before I started and feeling ready was the only reason I got through that stuff. And so I think I would just encourage you, if you are somebody who tells people on a regular basis that they are never going to be ready to question whether somebody actually might be able to get themselves to a point where they know themselves well enough to feel like, I can do this.

:: 19:42

Because I really do think that you can get to that point. If you can't and you have a baby or you're not at that point and you have a baby, of course, I mean, you're going to love this thing and you're going to do your absolute best. But for me, it was very, very important for me to get to a point where I knew I was ready to take that next step. Because the way that I operate, I know myself very, very well. And I just knew that that was what I needed to get through the tough and the dark times.

:: 20:10

And thank Christ for that, because things got real grim there for a while and I'll save that for another episode. So thank you so much for joining me for this week. If you have any questions, just head to the description of the episode. I have a link there where you can send your questions about absolutely anything. You name it, I don't mind what you ask.

:: 20:31

I'll answer it all. This is an open space, and I feel like the more we talk about this stuff, the better. Don't feel like you'll embarrass me or offend me or anything. Even if it's like, do you cry yourself to sleep at night, you loser?

:: 20:44

I mean, don't be mean, just be nice. But ask whatever you want and I will see you in the next episode