Did I consider how my daughter would feel being a donor child?

Speaker A: 00:00:07

Hello, welcome to the show today. Oh, have I got a meaty question and I love it. It's actually gonna have to be anonymous because the person that wrote it didn't leave their name.

But as soon as I read it, it actually made me think about a couple of things that I hadn't thought about before. And I was really just interested to mull on it and actually try and process what I think about it.

So the question is quite a long one, so stick with me.

How much time did you give to considering how your daughter will feel and what she will experience being born into a situation where she will not be raised by and have a relationship with her biological father and her biological father's side of the family? She has 50 of her DNA from a stranger. Did you talk to any other donor conceived people or adopted people and ask them about their perspectives?

How much will you disclose about her biological father's identity to her and others? I discovered I was donor conceived person at 40 years old after completing a DNA test as a DC person. I loathe the term donor.

It's not an organ, it's not even a blood transfusion. A sperm donation results in the child assuming 50% of the father's DNA. And that is a huge factor in the makeup and identity of the child.

I wish you every success as a parent and hope my questions and conversation could be of some benefit to you and your daughter. It was and it is. That was just a great question. And thank you for sharing your experience as well.

Honestly, no, I didn't talk to any donor deceived people. I don't think I know any or at least I don't know that I know any. And could I have done that research and is that a decent point? Yeah. Yeah.

That would have actually been something that if I had my time again, I should have probably considered. So that was something that I, when I read that question, I was like, oh, that would actually have been a really good idea.

I don't think it would have changed my mind in any way, but I definitely think that perspective of, you know, how did you kind of find out? What do you wish your parents had done differently? And maybe it's not too late for those conversations.

I don't think it's too late for those conversations and maybe I might try and have those conversations.

One thing I can definitely gauge from your experience is this idea that you didn't know until you were 40 and my kind of response to your question and the thinking behind it, I think it's all sort interesting. And important. I'm really interested in the idea that you don't like the idea of donor as well.

But my thinking about that is that I think, and this might be naive, but I think with truth and facts we can deal with anything. So my approach to this with my daughter has always been that I am going to be 100% transparent, honest, open from the get go.

As soon as she can ask a question about it, even if she is at the point where she can't understand it, I am going to be very honest with her. The thing about not being honest with people, I feel it has this sense of either a, you don't want to have a difficult conversation.

And in my mind I'm like, man up and have the conversation because yeah, it might be difficult, but it is the best thing for them.

So you withholding that information and saying it's because you don't want to hurt them, I think is an excuse and you should actually just toughen the heck up because that person, understanding from the start, will have much more ability to deal with it, process it, just get through life like it's a normal thing than if, for example, like you, Dear Question Asker, finding out when you're 40, doing a DNA test for mine, I'm almost scared to do a DNA test because there's stuff that I'm like, I don't want to find out more stuff that my parents didn't tell me about. I don't want that feeling because what that feels like is you didn't, you lied to me, you kept these things from me.

And so not only are you processing your identity, you're also processing the fact that your parent or parents lied to you and you have thought one way about yourself your entire life. And then at whatever age you find out, you have to restructure that entire sense of identity.

So you're not just finding out you were conceived by somebody who donated their sperm. You are finding out that everything that you believed is not what you believed is not true, really.

And I think that is where it is very hard to process things. And I want to avoid that situation with, with my daughter.

I don't want her to ever feel like she's unaware of anything or that she has to process later something about who she is because she thought it was something else.

My goal is to always respect her intelligence and her feelings by giving her every piece of information because this is something that I am very proud of. I am very grateful to the person who donated so that I was able to do this. I Live in a time where this is possible for me.

It would not have been possible for other people in other times. And this has given me a sense of freedom, independence, and allowed me to create a family.

That means that I can create a safe, loving, supportive environment for her without needing to be in a relationship. And that has not been the case for a lot of women.

And it's still really hard for a lot of women, you know, because there are all sorts of expectations and things on us that mean that some people just don't feel like they could walk this path. So I don't feel like I've robbed her of anything by doing it this way, as opposed to doing it with a partner.

But I am also understanding and appreciative of the fact that this is not the way that the majority of people do this. So it will probably be something that she will want to know more about. She will probably be asked about it at school.

I feel like it would be surprising to me if, considering how many women I hear from, how many people are doing this, thinking about doing this. I would be very surprised if by the time she went to school, there was not another solo mom in her class.

But I appreciate it's probably something she's still going to have to talk about and talk to other people about. And so she will need that information because information is power.

Information gives you the ability to process your own emotions, to process your own situation, to communicate it in a way. I also think the way that I talk to her about it will give her a sense of, is this something to be proud of?

And I ain't going to talk to her a second about it in a way that doesn't mean that this is something that we should be celebrating because she is here and we have a family and where there is love and joy and happiness in our family. And it would not have been the case or would not exist if it wasn't for this process.

So my thinking is, really, if I'm honest with her, I can't avoid all emotional issues, all crises of conscious, existential, you know, thoughts that happens to all of us, no matter what our parenting situation is.

And I know in my experience, and, you know, knowing friends of mine, they got nuclear families and they got a lot of existential crisis going on because there wasn't a whole heap of information or there wasn't the kind of support that they needed.

So I actually don't think that the right way to provide an individual with the emotional security blank they require is to have a mother and A father. Because I've seen plenty of situations like that where not much em security blanket going on.

What I think that a person needs is a loving environment where they're supported, cared for.

They can experience what they want to experience and push the boundaries and do what they need to do to find out who they are and feel like they have a safe place to come home to, to do that. And I do feel very confident that that is the environment that I'm creating for her.

And I will just make sure that she knows exactly what the process was for us to have this family. And I will give her all the information I have all the information on file. I will, you know, share what I know about him.

I, you know, don't have any pictures of him as a person, but, you know, I have the information that he wrote, I have the photos of him when he was a kid. I have the medical history. Whatever she wants to know, I will share with her because I want her to know that this is kind of part of you.

And that of course, in however many years, if she wants to contact him and find him, I will be fully supportive, fully supportive of that. And really will, you know, help her in any way she needs to, to do that so that she can get the answers that she wants.

And if she develops a relationship with him at that stage, I think that would be amazing. You know, I, I, I think it would be incredible if he was a really good person.

I hope, I mean, I felt like when I was looking through the profile and everything, I felt like I got a sense of that.

But for him to have a relationship with her in the future and for her to feel like he's a good person and for me to potentially be able to, you know, this person who gave me this wonderful gift, I think that would be incredible and I would be very, very welcoming of that. I wouldn't say it as threatening. I wouldn't see it as problematic. I wouldn't see it as anything other than a really, like, justifiable desire.

Because this person is, as you say, 50 of your DNA and so a massive, massive part of you. I think it's interesting around the donor stuff.

I don't know what else I would call that person because while, but in the technical definition of the father, like in terms of it being his genes, I just can't get comfortable with the fact that he is her father. I can't use that term.

Not because I'm not open to it or it makes me feel emotionally anyway, I just, it just doesn't Feel like he's her father, you know, he is a person who donated a part of himself, himself. And he didn't do this with the intention of being a father. He did this as somebody who was passing on something to somebody else to create a family.

He didn't go into a clinic and go, I'd like to be a dad to a bunch of people. He went into a clinic and said, I'm donating this sperm so that other women can do this. So I can't really.

I'm not sure what else to call him, you know, so that's something that I'll sit with and think about a little bit. But it's interesting from your perspective to, to hear that and that's something that I'll definitely take on board.

But yes, I just am going to be an open book with this kid.

This kid will have no ancestry/23andMe moments in 40 years time where she does the blood test and she's like, huh, you know, we are not going to be doing that. She will know from the get go.

And, and I want her to feel like any question she has and anything she wants to know, learn, understand, is welcomed and understood, you know, because I think that's sometimes the hardest thing is parents can sometimes feel a certain way about this and they don't want to talk to their kids about it. And but that then makes them feel like, is there something I should be ashamed about? Or why won't you talk to me about this?

And I'm like, if there's nothing to be ashamed of, like, why not just get it all out on the table, you know, why not just talk about this in the positive way that I feel about it, which is very grateful, very happy and very lucky to have done it this way. And so that is certainly the vibe that I will be passing on to my daughter. But thank you so much for your question.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It has definitely got me thinking and I would definitely be mindful of some of those things.

And we'll certainly try and get the perspectives of some people who had this beginning to their life because I appreciate why that would be very important for me to know if I want to be the best mom I can be to my daughter. So thank you so much for your question and if you have one, please submit it by the link in the description.

And if you want to share this show with people, encourage them to listen. I would not be mad about it at all. Okay, thanks so much for listening. See you next week. It.