Episode 18
Do I miss companionship as a solo mum?
This week I'm answering a listener question about one of the most common fears people have when considering solo motherhood - what about companionship??
Q: "I know you said a partner is out of the question but what about companionship? How do you manage to incorporate that? I am 39 and have a few eggs frozen and still feel unsure about so much including if I even want to go down this path on my own. All my friends are married with kids and I just feel people look at me confused."
I hear ya! I feel like confusion was the reaction I got the most when I told people I was going to have a baby solo.
So, in this episode I share how I felt about relationships before becoming a solo mum, how that changed once I made the decision to go it alone, and whether I ever miss having a partner now that I’m deep in the trenches of parenting on my own.
I also reflect on the kind of love I’ve experienced in past relationships vs. the love I feel from my daughter and how it's unlike anything I’ve ever known.
EPISODE CREDITS:
Host: Rachel Corbett
Editing Assistance: Josh Newth
LINKS & OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF:
Click here to submit a question to the show
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Email me: rachel@meandmytinyhuman.com
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This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wangal people, of the Eora Nation.
I pay my respects to Elders past and present.
Transcript
Hello, welcome to the show Today is another question from another anonymous.
Speaker A:Your name wasn't in the little blurb of the question, so I'm assuming you don't want me to decipher your name from your email address.
Speaker A:But thank you for the question and thank you so much.
Speaker A:If you have submitted a question, you can do it at the link in the description of the episode.
Speaker A:As I've said, it's been really wonderful to hear from people, also to get questions that have made me think too, honestly, in a really great way.
Speaker A:So I'm really appreciating all of the questions that you've been sending.
Speaker A:This question is.
Speaker A:I know you said a partner is out of the question, but what about companionship?
Speaker A:How do you manage to incorporate that?
Speaker A:I'm 39 and I've got a few weeks frozen and I still feel unsure about so much, including if I even want to go down this path on my own.
Speaker A:All my friends are married with kids and I just feel like people look at me confused.
Speaker A:Ah, I get that, because that was just the default position of my life in the lead up to this.
Speaker A:I had a lot of confused looks.
Speaker A:I had a lot of looks of encouragement that definitely had behind the eyes a little bit of that's a bit sad.
Speaker A:Or that sense of like, oh, are you okay about that?
Speaker A:I'm like, yeah, I'm okay.
Speaker A:Like, how many times do I have to tell you I'm okay before you actually think that I'm okay?
Speaker A:Like, I'm not lying to your face.
Speaker A:You know, this isn't an Instagram situation where I'm like living my best life and I'm really like, miserable.
Speaker A:I'm actually in a conversation with you in my real life and I'm telling you, this is the path that I chose.
Speaker A:I think just to your point around not being sure, for me, I was very sure I wanted to go down this path.
Speaker A:So I actually had a conversation with a someone recently who had gone down this path and she was in the very early stages, which, I mean, good lord, that just the hellscape I'm talking the first three months, you know, when things are real grim and you are hanging on the by the thinnest of threads and she was sort of looking at couples and thinking, oh, I should.
Speaker A:Maybe I should have done it that way.
Speaker A:Now you are going through every emotional roller coaster known to man.
Speaker A:During that time, I fell to a million pieces.
Speaker A:And so I totally, totally understand how you can feel that way.
Speaker A:But I am very glad that the one thing I didn't have to think about was a feeling of sadness if I saw a couple around, because I was very, very sure about this decision going in.
Speaker A:And I can really understand how you could feel like that if you weren't 100% on it and felt like that.
Speaker A:In the past, in earlier years of my life, before I kind of came to this realization that I did want to do it, and I felt excited by it, you know, there have been big parts of my life that have been think me thinking about, I want a partner.
Speaker A:Where is that partner?
Speaker A:Why can't I find that partner?
Speaker A:And that feeling is so.
Speaker A:It's all consuming.
Speaker A:And the really frustrating about thing about it is you can't control anything about it, because even if you went on 700 dates, you still might not find the right, good, kind, genuine person that you want to partner up with in a way that will make your life infinitely better.
Speaker A:So that really peeped me off about dating and that whole way of thinking, because it would grab a hold of you emotionally.
Speaker A:It would make you feel inadequate, like you weren't, I don't know, living the right life, all sorts of things that then you can't control at all.
Speaker A:And I was like, but I can't fix this problem because I can't magic up a human that would make my life really great.
Speaker A:You know, I can do as many things that I can possibly do.
Speaker A:I can be out there.
Speaker A:I can, you know, go on dates.
Speaker A:I can just be living my normal life and hope that somebody comes along.
Speaker A:But it.
Speaker A:You can't do any more than that.
Speaker A:And I just felt like this has taken up too much of my brain space when I can't actually do anything about it.
Speaker A:So I'm really glad that I shifted my feeling about that.
Speaker A:But I certainly do empathize because I have definitely felt like that at times.
Speaker A:And I understand.
Speaker A:And I think if you are coming out the other side of this and you're on your own, you don't have support.
Speaker A:One of the only things that's got me through the darkest of dark times and the difficult, difficult times is that feeling of, God, I wanted this, you know, because that has really made me feel like it is.
Speaker A:Just grit your teeth and get through it, you know, because this is what you wanted.
Speaker A:I've never felt a minute of regret.
Speaker A:And in terms of the idea of companionship, do I miss it or do I feel like I don't have it in my life?
Speaker A:Nah.
Speaker A:How weird's that?
Speaker A:There's a part of me that's like, are you all right?
Speaker A:Because society tells you a lot that that's not supposed to be a feeling that you have, that you're not supposed to be genuinely fine with not being in a relationship, that you should feel a sense of loss or like, where is my companion?
Speaker A:But I don't feel like that at all.
Speaker A:I've got the best companion I have ever had in my flipping life.
Speaker A:And honest to God, I think about this so much, right?
Speaker A:I have never been loved in a relationship like, she loves me.
Speaker A:Now, you might listen to that and go, God, that's sad.
Speaker A:You've never been loved.
Speaker A:I've been loved, all right?
Speaker A:I've been loved.
Speaker A:I know what love feels like.
Speaker A:I know what a great relationship feels like.
Speaker A:I know what being in love feels like.
Speaker A:All of those wonderful things.
Speaker A:But underneath even the greatest of relationships is the undeniable truth that you can never 100% guarantee that that person will love you like that for the rest of your life.
Speaker A:You can never guarantee it.
Speaker A:No relationship that's ended in tears ever started off with people thinking, this is going to go tits up, you know, Unless one of them didn't have their foot in, which some people do.
Speaker A:And that's just a dick move.
Speaker A:Just stop it.
Speaker A:You know, if you don't have your foot in, don't do that to another person.
Speaker A:It's a really horrible thing to do.
Speaker A:Either be in or just be out.
Speaker A:Do everybody a favor.
Speaker A:So this is the thing about my relationship with Olivia, is I have never had a love that is this secure, that is this safe, that I know that she will love me for the rest of her life.
Speaker A:You see, the thing that amazes me about the parent child relationship is that the parent can do some real shit things, you know, like really, really not provide a safe environment, be really not good to that person, not support them in the way that they should be supported, leaving them with all manner of complex emotional and intellectual issues that they've got to deal with.
Speaker A:And that kid will still just want the love of their parent.
Speaker A:That's all they want.
Speaker A:There's something that's hardwired in us, that even if that person doesn't give you what you need, all you want is for them to turn around and give you what you need.
Speaker A:So I see that being sort of overlooked so much with some parents.
Speaker A:I'm not saying, like, you know, a lot of parents, amazing.
Speaker A:Most parents, amazing.
Speaker A:But there are some parents that are just dad parents.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, we've all experienced it.
Speaker A:Some of us have had that experience.
Speaker A:You know, where they just not really giving you the best parenting experience.
Speaker A:And watching that happen, knowing that that person is going to really in some ways get away with that behavior because that kid will always love and always want the love of that person.
Speaker A:That for me is such a.
Speaker A:Just a.
Speaker A:A feeling to be respected.
Speaker A:You know, I think if Olivia is going to love me like that, then I better work damn hard for that love and I better give her exactly what she should have and do my very best to do that.
Speaker A:We ain't perfect, right?
Speaker A:We're all giving it our best.
Speaker A:And my version of what I think is best is maybe not going to be the best.
Speaker A:But I've got to just read her, work with her, you know, provide her a supportive, loving environment where she feels seen, heard and she can be herself and explore who that is and feel like she has a soft landing no matter what that is or where she wants to kind of run and explore.
Speaker A:So I'm going to be very conscious of that responsibility on my side because I know she will love me forever.
Speaker A:And I don't think I've ever felt like that in a relationship with somebody.
Speaker A:I felt like, you know, this could be forever.
Speaker A:I want this to be forever.
Speaker A:But you still don't know 100%.
Speaker A:You don't know if this person is going to wake up one day and say to you, I'm over it, or I met somebody else, or I've been cheating on you for the past six months and now it's time for me to come clean.
Speaker A:You know, all of this could possibly happen.
Speaker A:Now please do not get thinking that every relationship I've ever gone into, I've gone in with this in the back of my mind.
Speaker A:None of them have.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:I'm the kind of person that if I'm going to be in a relationship, we're going to give this a crack and I'm going to give it a really red hot crack and I'm going to be present and engaged and we're going to try and do this.
Speaker A:And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Speaker A:But it won't be because I did not try, that is for sure.
Speaker A:But even the right person can eventually turn out wrong.
Speaker A:And I think when I think about what I have now, I just feel like there is all the companionship that I need.
Speaker A:I don't think to myself, gee, I wish I had somebody to sit here and have dinner with.
Speaker A:All I want to do at the end of the day is have dinner by myself.
Speaker A:I need some peace and quiet.
Speaker A:And what I certainly don't need is for somebody to tell me that I'm not giving them enough attention because they're giving a lot of attention to my child.
Speaker A:No, not interested.
Speaker A:I just want to be able to focus on my child, have that relationship, enjoy and revel in that relationship.
Speaker A:When she grows and becomes more independent, she needs me less and she's less interested in me, and she wants to be at a friend's place for a weekend and I'm out the door, then maybe I might feel like this space or, you know, that I'm interested in that.
Speaker A:But at the moment, I have definitely got companionship in spades.
Speaker A:I do feel that way.
Speaker A:I don't feel like it's missing from my life.
Speaker A:And I'm very grateful that I feel like that because I think if I did feel like that, the days would feel even longer.
Speaker A:And right now, they're pretty long.
Speaker A:They feel real long at times.
Speaker A:So, yeah, that's how I think about it.
Speaker A:Do I miss the companionship?
Speaker A:Nah.
Speaker A:Because this kid is a stage five clinger.
Speaker A:I honestly, at this point, I'm just like, could you just get over me?
Speaker A:I'm actually in that dating scenario.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:I've never been one of those people who enters into a relationship thinking, I.
Speaker A:I could get 700 more of you, you know?
Speaker A:And you meet those people that.
Speaker A:They're like.
Speaker A:They go into every relationship thinking I'm, oh, I'm such a catch.
Speaker A:I've never thought that way in my entire life.
Speaker A:But right now with my kid, I'm like, oh, stop loving me so much.
Speaker A:Anyway, those are my thoughts.
Speaker A:And yeah, if.
Speaker A:Please, if you are in a loving, wonderful relationship, don't think that.
Speaker A:I don't think that that's possible.
Speaker A:You know, sometimes when you say these things, you're like, oh, no wonder you have never had a.
Speaker A:Like, you know what?
Speaker A:No wonder you got married, because you must have.
Speaker A:Shut up.
Speaker A:Shut up.
Speaker A:If you have a question, then please submit it via the link in the description of the episode.
Speaker A:If you are enjoying the show, please leave a review.
Speaker A:If your app allows you to do that, and I will see you next week, I'm gonna go and spend some time with the best bloody partner that I have ever had.
Speaker A:I wish she could do a bit more for herself, to be honest.
Speaker A:Bye.
