Episode 16
I've never been more tired doing nothing
No question today, just a little observation from my time as a solo parent...the truly unfair notion that you spend most of your days doing absolutely nothing and yet you've never been more tired.
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This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wangal people, of the Eora Nation.
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Host: Rachel Corbett
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Transcript
Hello there.
Speaker A:Today, I'm not answering a question.
Speaker A:This is just a brief observation episode.
Speaker A:Something I have really clocked in the last little while, and that is that I have never in my life done more of nothing and been more tired.
Speaker A:This is something that I thought about a couple of days ago when I'm lying on the floor coloring in with my daughter.
Speaker A:I'd been doing it for what felt like forever, you know, And I was thinking myself, this is for many people, a relaxing experience.
Speaker A:They sell adult coloring in books.
Speaker A:But while I am partially horizontal, lying on my rug, essentially just colouring in.
Speaker A:This is the most exhausting colouring in I have ever, ever done.
Speaker A:And there are just so many days like this.
Speaker A:There was one day, I Remember I spent 45 minutes walking up and down the same set of stairs when she became obsessed with stairs.
Speaker A:We went down to a set of stairs near my house and we had to go up and down that goddamn thing 50 effing times.
Speaker A:And anytime I tried to walk away or stop it, no, we were having none of it.
Speaker A:We needed to do the stairs again.
Speaker A:Now, in essence, that's not really doing much.
Speaker A:Yes, I'm exerting some energy.
Speaker A:Yes, I'm doing a physical activity, but I'm not running those stairs like I'm doing a PT session.
Speaker A:I'm casually walking up and down the stairs at the pace of a goddamn snail while my child learns how to navigate stairs.
Speaker A:So technically, that shouldn't be exhausting.
Speaker A:But I was ready for a holiday at the end of that, because I was like, I can't walk up another set of stairs for the next five months.
Speaker A:Because that was really annoying.
Speaker A:Because there's this undercurrent of, like, annoyance that you really try and never let bubble to the surface that happens with just about every long, repetitive activity.
Speaker A:And that, I think, is what tires you out in a mental way that just then seeps through your whole body.
Speaker A:And it kind of creeps up on you, you know, because you're like, I'm not doing much here, but I really feel tired.
Speaker A:Another time I remember spending, I think we spent an hour.
Speaker A:I bought these colored beads and you're supposed to thread them, but she quite likes just putting them in piles.
Speaker A:And then when we put them in a pile, she likes to smash the pile.
Speaker A:And then Mummy makes another pile.
Speaker A:And I think we did that for about an hour.
Speaker A:And I don't think I stood up in that entire hour.
Speaker A:I think I was sitting on my ass for that whole time.
Speaker A:And I was so over those goddamn beads.
Speaker A:By the end of that hour, I think it's probably the repetition that really gets to you, you know?
Speaker A:But it wasn't lost on me that I really am not doing much.
Speaker A:And I cannot remember pre child the last time that I sat in my house doing nothing for an hour, or like, essentially nothing.
Speaker A:Would I have ever in a million years put beads into piles and smash them into the.
Speaker A:Into the oblivion?
Speaker A:No, I never would have.
Speaker A:But at the time, if I was on my own, would it have been relaxing?
Speaker A:Maybe?
Speaker A:It probably would have.
Speaker A:But when you add a toddler in the mix, it just really Fs everything up, you know, because your whole mental brain space is just making sure that you keep the vibe up at all times.
Speaker A:Now, that is only possible for so long before you're like, I'm one of those people who's an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert, or whichever.
Speaker A:The way goes that, yes, I can talk into a microphone, yes, I can work on television, but where I recharge my batteries is on my own.
Speaker A:And when I go out and have social interaction and I'm talking to people that I don't know and I have to keep the vibe up and I go, I find that exhausting.
Speaker A:And here I am in a life that exists of nothing but that.
Speaker A:Sure, I know her well enough, but she doesn't have great chat.
Speaker A:Now, that's a lie.
Speaker A:She does have pretty good chat for her age.
Speaker A:She does have pretty good chat.
Speaker A:But I have to constantly be bringing the party.
Speaker A:And that is like living the bit of my adult life that I'm like, God, if I can avoid that, that really tires me out.
Speaker A:On repeat.
Speaker A:That is the only version of my life I'm living right now.
Speaker A:So as somebody who recharges by doing nothing, not a lot of that going on, which is why I think I'm exhausted.
Speaker A:The whole coloring in thing, too.
Speaker A:Coloring in is such a calming adult activity when you just do it with one of those mandala books or something, you know?
Speaker A:But try coloring in with a kid who wants to use the color that you have every time you pick it up.
Speaker A:So you can't actually get any coloring in.
Speaker A:And when you do, you will be 97% through the mane of the pony.
Speaker A:And you will want that satisfaction that comes with completion of a task.
Speaker A:And your child will, at that exact moment, be demanding a fresh page on repeat.
Speaker A:And when you say to that kid, can I finish the main fresh page, fresh page.
Speaker A:And you're like, okay, mummy's just on my fresh Page, fresh page.
Speaker A:And it's really not worth the meltdown.
Speaker A:So you're gonna move to a fresh page and you're gonna think all afternoon about that.
Speaker A:Almost finished.
Speaker A:Main.
Speaker A:I sound insane.
Speaker A:I actually sound insane.
Speaker A:If you are wondering what is it like to have a baby or a kid?
Speaker A:Like, this is probably the episode to listen to because it's this sort of stuff that you can't explain that you don't expect that you find yourself in the middle of and you're like, what happened to my life?
Speaker A:And yes, there's glimmers of joy and glimmers of light and it's lovely to color in with your daughter, but it's like there's a lot of it that's just crap and tiring and she just has a way of just ruining stuff that used to be good.
Speaker A:Like even reading books.
Speaker A:My greatest dream, when I have dreamt about having a child, the moment that I've dreamt about is a moment when she is old enough to read books on her own independently.
Speaker A:And I have this image in my mind of her and I lying on a sofa together reading books independently.
Speaker A:That is the day I long for.
Speaker A:Because a, I want a kid that reads.
Speaker A:And I loved reading as a kid.
Speaker A:I just found so much comfort in it, so much joy in it.
Speaker A:I still love reading as an adult.
Speaker A:And I just think the idea of us reading together on an afternoon, like there could be nothing more relaxing.
Speaker A:And the idea that she would be able to just happily sit there reading a book.
Speaker A:I know that we will get there eventually, in another 10 effing years, but at moment you are really on like micro minute management, you know, because every micro minute could be the fall off a cliff moment where we're like, okay, now we're in meltdown zone.
Speaker A:So reading for me at the moment is the least enjoyable activity.
Speaker A:And I love to read because you got to read the same book 900 times.
Speaker A:And after an hour of reading every book in your shelf, you're like, can we move on to something else?
Speaker A:Like, this isn't actually enjoying the joy of reading and turning a page.
Speaker A:This is me doing a performance book after book after book.
Speaker A:And I don't think I've got it in me anyway.
Speaker A:That's really all I've got to say on that.
Speaker A:I just think I wanted to vent and I now have this podcast and I can do that.
Speaker A:This is the problem with being a solo mum.
Speaker A:You don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff on the couch.
Speaker A:And if your area of expertise is recording audio.
Speaker A:You can do this, package it up and make poor people listen to it.
Speaker A:So sorry about that.
Speaker A:I really had to get it off my chest.
Speaker A:But I do actually think it is an excellent example of the weird stuff you can't explain to people about what it's like to be a parent.
Speaker A:Like, this is the day to day and this is why it becomes relentless.
Speaker A:And this doesn't even factor in the meltdowns like I'm talking about.
Speaker A:This is the good, calm bits, you know, where we're just doing an activity.
Speaker A:But even that is stripped of all joy.
Speaker A:Okay, I gotta stop now.
Speaker A:I gotta stop now.
Speaker A:This is it.
Speaker A:I should be paying my therapist to talk about this.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker A:I appreciate it.
Speaker A:Thank you for being my person to sit on the couch with and just vent about this stuff.
Speaker A:It is truly appreciated.
Speaker A:And if I could leave you a review, I would leave you a five star one to say thank you.
Speaker A:Thank you for listening and I'll see you next week.
