Episode 46
My toddler found out how her body works
There are some parts of parenting you know are coming one day.
And then there are the ones that arrive way earlier than you expected and leave you sitting on Google wondering whether you need to panic.
This was one of those for me.
What followed was a bit of research, a lot of trying not to make it weird, and one of the greatest toddler phrases I’ve ever heard in my life.
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wangal people, of the Eora Nation.
I pay my respects to Elders past and present.
EPISODE CREDITS:
Host: Rachel Corbett
Editing Assistance:
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Transcript
Hello there.
Speaker A:We've had something very interesting happen in our house quite a while ago, actually, and I've wanted to talk about it for a while, but then I'm not really sure why I didn't.
Speaker A:It's not like I didn't want to talk about it.
Speaker A:I want to say maybe I didn't want to betray Olivia's confidence.
Speaker A:It was that mix of kind of.
Speaker A:Do I want to talk about this?
Speaker A:This is such a private and personal thing for her.
Speaker A:But at the same time, I do think there is something really interesting in it.
Speaker A:And I certainly, prior to this period of my life, would have been interested to hear how other people navigated it.
Speaker A:And I'll stop beating around the bush.
Speaker A:My daughter has found out how her body works, shall we say?
Speaker A:And I will use her terminology from this point on, because I think it is truly the best thing that I've ever heard in my life.
Speaker A:She has learned how to sting her bum.
Speaker A:I appreciate that.
Speaker A:It is for those of us who know how this thing works.
Speaker A:Not your bum you are stinging, nor are you really stinging anything.
Speaker A:But that is what she calls it, and I think that is the best thing in the universe.
Speaker A:So she started stinging her button.
Speaker A:I reckon she was about to, would I say two, maybe two and a half.
Speaker A:Anyway, it felt very, very early.
Speaker A:She felt very, very young.
Speaker A:And I had a moment where I was really concerned that something had happened to her.
Speaker A:And I leapt into a research hole because I was like, oh, my gosh, has somebody touched her inappropriately?
Speaker A:Like, how does she know about this?
Speaker A:At this point?
Speaker A:I. I didn't realize that there are just tiny little toddlers left, right, and center having a good crack at themselves.
Speaker A:So if you have not yet gotten to this stage, can I just give you that comfort early on and tell you that it's okay when it happens?
Speaker A:And it's not a bad heinous thing that's gone on that all of a sudden you've got to go into how do I protect my child mode.
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker A:You're just gonna have to get real comfy with not being able to get them out of bed for an hour after they wake up from their nap, which, to be honest, is some days excellent.
Speaker A:So this all started, I reckon.
Speaker A:Oh, gosh, I wish I'd written it down somewhere.
Speaker A:I think it's probably somewhere in between the two to two and a half timeline.
Speaker A:And it all began because she used to.
Speaker A:She has about 700 toys in her bed with her.
Speaker A:Oh, it's all right.
Speaker A:It's not a sleep risk anymore.
Speaker A:She knows how to pull them off her face.
Speaker A:Remember that?
Speaker A:It's just the early days when everything is a drama.
Speaker A:Oh, you can't have a hair in the cottage because they might get a hair tourniquet.
Speaker A:Oh my God.
Speaker A:And now you just kind of throw them in and out for the best, really, don't you?
Speaker A:But she slept with this Bunny under her hips and she would always tuck it in there.
Speaker A:And so where I think this began is that she must have realized kind of rocking around on that Bunny, oh, hold on one minute.
Speaker A:Something's going on here.
Speaker A:So originally, Bunny was very involved in the process.
Speaker A:Poor Bunny stuck under there, just going, you guys don't pay me enough for this.
Speaker A:And then at a certain point, Bunny was jettisoned and now she just goes it alone.
Speaker A:Now it is still the sort of rocking and rolling motion, but I think the nappy has something to do with it.
Speaker A:And the greatest thing about this whole process, after I realized that nothing is wrong, this is natural.
Speaker A:A lot of kids do it to self soothe.
Speaker A:Some kids do it to go to sleep.
Speaker A:It's just very much a part of the process.
Speaker A:I then had to get my head around, okay, how do I communicate with her about this in a way that is not going to have her making bad sexual decisions in 25 years.
Speaker A:The pressure is immense, you know, because you have all of those conversations with people who have a slightly problematic relationship with their body in that manner and sexuality and all those kind of things.
Speaker A:Some of it may be born from trauma, but often it can be born from a parent seeing you and telling you it's disgusting and then you internalizing that idea that this is disgusting.
Speaker A:And then you feel like you have to atone anytime you do it.
Speaker A:Like, it's just such a mess.
Speaker A:So I wanted it to be very matter of fact.
Speaker A:I'm like, no dramas.
Speaker A:We're doing this.
Speaker A:It's come along a lot earlier than I thought.
Speaker A:But just going to kind of talk about it, be matter of fact about it, whatever.
Speaker A:So I think the first time it happened, I could tell what was happening, obviously, but I was just sort of madly googling at the same time and working out, oh my gosh, what's going on here?
Speaker A:How do I navigate this?
Speaker A:I think I asked her, what are you doing?
Speaker A:And she said, stinging my bum.
Speaker A:And so then from that point on, I've really been pretty matter of fact about usually happens when she wakes up from her nap in the middle of the day.
Speaker A:Sometimes when she's going to sleep, she might Start to do it.
Speaker A:And interestingly, I had someone looking after her the other day and she put her to bed and I was out at night.
Speaker A:I mean, I came home by 8 o' clock because that's my life.
Speaker A:Can't be bothered staying out late.
Speaker A:Went out for dinner, five o', clock, sitting home by eight, nine, night.
Speaker A:Thanks very much, babysitter.
Speaker A:But she had put her down at like 7:30 and it was 8:00 clock and she was like, she's just doing this strange rocking back and forth thing.
Speaker A:Like she's still not asleep.
Speaker A:And I was like, oh, no, she's stinging about.
Speaker A:Like, that's what she does now.
Speaker A:So sometimes it's at nighttime, but most of the time it's when she wakes up from the nap.
Speaker A:And I just absolutely love that we are in this spot where I'll go in, she'll start it, I'll sort of be opening the windows, she'll start going at it.
Speaker A:And then if we've got to get moving quickly, that's a problem.
Speaker A:And I have kind of grappled with how do I communicate this in a way that doesn't make her feel bad about it, but also lets her know, like, get the hell out of this bed.
Speaker A:We've got to do, like, go somewhere.
Speaker A:So on those days it's a bit hard.
Speaker A:And I'll usually, I think the first time I tried to solve that problem, I put the timer on.
Speaker A:I thought, okay, I'll just say I'm gonna put the timer on and at the end we're gonna have to get up.
Speaker A:And that seemed to work.
Speaker A:So now we utilize the timer a lot if we need to go from A to B.
Speaker A:And she'll often say, could you put the timer on?
Speaker A:And I'm like, of course.
Speaker A:Okay, no worries.
Speaker A:I'll put the timer on.
Speaker A:And then I said, when you, when the time is finished, you stand up, you finish stinging your bum, okay, you stand up and Mommy will come get you.
Speaker A:And she's like, okay.
Speaker A:And then I go out sometimes, I've been sitting outside and I can see her and I'll yell out, are you stinging your bum?
Speaker A:And she'll be like, yep.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:You let me know when you're done.
Speaker A:Like, this is actually so cool.
Speaker A:I love that this is where we're at with it.
Speaker A:I love that we can be so open and honest about it.
Speaker A:I love that it's just sort of something she feels comfortable talking to me about.
Speaker A:I know that won't be forever.
Speaker A:Like, we don't have a Conversation about it.
Speaker A:Let's be clear, she's three, she's not coming out and explaining what her feelings were for.
Speaker A:Like, she's just like rubbing herself up against the mattress but telling me, oh yeah, I'm just stinging my bum or can you give me five minutes or I'll be finished soon or whatever.
Speaker A:But God, I would love this to just continue as we get older.
Speaker A:I know that's never going to happen, but God, I'd love it if at like 16, she's in her bedroom and I come past and say, hey, we gotta go.
Speaker A:And she yells out, okay, I'm just stinging my bum.
Speaker A:And I say, okay, I'll just wait for you in the car.
Speaker A:Like, I just wish because our parents and grandparents generation, I don't know about you, but I just have some really rubbish recollections of how that was talked about.
Speaker A:I mean it wasn't talked about really at all.
Speaker A:You know, it was avoided at all costs unless it was kind of stumbled across and then there was a real you're disgusting, this is gross kind of factor about it.
Speaker A:And I feel that I haven't carried those kind of things.
Speaker A:I mean, to be fair, I don't want to over inflate the trauma of that situation.
Speaker A:It wasn't a massive part of my life, but I certainly would never have felt comfortable talking to my parents about any of that kind of stuff.
Speaker A:And I cannot imagine, and maybe I'm wrong, maybe my mum was more like this when I was little.
Speaker A:You know, I just can't imagine them sort of walking in and seeing me rub myself up against the cotton going, okay, I'll give you five minutes, you know, and maybe they did, maybe I'm being too harsh on them, but I do think, you know, this version of communication with your kids is such a privilege.
Speaker A:I know it won't last for very long as she kind of grows and gets more self conscious and independent and whatever.
Speaker A:But at least for right now, in this tiny little bubble of our life, the fact that she is more than happy for me to walk in and see her doing that, it doesn't impact her at all.
Speaker A:She doesn't even think twice about stopping it because I'm there.
Speaker A:It just keeps on going.
Speaker A:There's no moment of like, oh, maybe I'll just stop for mommy.
Speaker A:No, no, no, we're just going to keep on rolling through whether mummy's here or not.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And while I always kind of step out, give her her privacy, I just love that it doesn't impact her that I'm there or not.
Speaker A:Cause she just knows, oh, this is nothing to be ashamed of.
Speaker A:This is no problem.
Speaker A:Like, this is.
Speaker A:Yeah, I wonder what she thinks about it in her head, because it's obviously just another day, really, when she's doing it.
Speaker A:And that's really cool.
Speaker A:So hopefully we can maintain that.
Speaker A:I have all these dreams of all these things, you know, I want to be sitting on the couch together reading books quietly, and when she's older and to read books on her own.
Speaker A:Will that happen?
Speaker A:Maybe not.
Speaker A:She probably hurt my guts by then.
Speaker A:You know, here I am hoping that one day as I'm walking past her room, she'll tell me, mom, I'm stinging my bum.
Speaker A:And we'll go about our day.
Speaker A:And I'm like, in what world is this going to be reality?
Speaker A:But for right now, that's what I'm hanging on to.
Speaker A:And I'd just like to encourage you to not freak out like I did and start going down the Google and chatgpt rabbit hole thinking that something terrible has happened to your child and that you need to go in and storm into the daycare and tell them that this stopped.
Speaker A:When in reality, this is just what they do.
Speaker A:This is just what they do.
Speaker A:And all we can really do is just make them feel fine about it and make sure that we give them all of the space to do all of this kind of exploration in whatever way it comes to them.
Speaker A:And hopefully that means that in 25 years, they're not dating somebody that treats them badly in the bedroom.
Speaker A:And thinking this was.
Speaker A:Because my mother always told me that this should be something that I'm ashamed of, you know, I can't have that on my conscience.
Speaker A:And if you have a kid who's doing this and they have a great way of articulating what it is like stinging my bum, can you please email me?
Speaker A:The email is in the description of the episode because I would love to hear how other kids talk about it, because I just thought that was a really great way to articulate it.
Speaker A:And the other thing about that is it's such a gift to be given by your child.
Speaker A:A really fun, funny way to communicate that, you know, even when I'm telling my friends now, because sometimes we'll go over to my best place and she'll have a time that we're supposed to be there, and then I'll text her and say, oh, gosh, we're going to be a bit late.
Speaker A:Olivia.
Speaker A:Stinging a bum, like, it's so much better than masturbating, you know, that word, it just about it.
Speaker A:You're just like, oh really?
Speaker A:And I can't imagine going into Olivia, a three year old and saying are you masturbating?
Speaker A:What the hell, you know, stinging your bum?
Speaker A:So much better.
Speaker A:So please email me if your kids have got any wonderful ways of communicating that kind of stuff because I just think that's so magic.
Speaker A:And I just want to say a bit of a thank you to anyone who leaves a review on this show.
Speaker A:I have seen some wonderful reviews come through.
Speaker A: me online is either anonymous: Speaker A: Or it's M: Speaker A:So thank you so much for that.
Speaker A:And then there's another one that it's like, I think it's a mush of all of their names but I can't quite say it.
Speaker A:So it's, it's very hard to say thank you to the people individually, but I get some wonderful messages on email and I do want to shout those out and I'll do that in upcoming episodes.
Speaker A:And, and yeah, if you have left me a review in your podcast app, I really appreciate it.
Speaker A:I often hear from people who are starting the process.
Speaker A: Anonymous: Speaker A:And I'm really glad that you're listening and enjoying the show.
Speaker A:Same with, I mean anybody can listen, you know, it's, it is open for everybody.
Speaker A:But same with my fellow SMBCs.
Speaker A: M: Speaker A:So I would love to hear if you, if you can identify who you are from that handle.
Speaker A:I would love to hear from you and to see how you going especially how you went through that early stage which as you will know if you've been listening to this show for a long time, I did not do too well with.
Speaker A:I have had someone very close to me give birth recently and they have had a lot of support around and I've been so glad for them for that.
Speaker A:But it is so interesting watching all that unfold and thinking to myself I actually should have been a little easier on myself back then because the fact that I did that all by myself, especially those early days in hospital overnight.
Speaker A:No one there, just hanging onto this kid, trying desperately not to drop her while I was falling asleep.
Speaker A:While she's on the boob, I'm like, no, tap out.
Speaker A:That was actually a mammoth effort.
Speaker A:So, yeah, sometimes I think we can just expect so much of ourselves, and it's pretty incredible what we're doing when we're doing it on our own.
Speaker A:And it's pretty amazing what we are able to accomplish with no other pair of hands.
Speaker A:So, you know, if that's you or it's about to be you or you're thinking about it being you, you'll never feel more accomplished or proud of yourself for doing anything than you will for doing this.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker A:Please reach out via the email in the description of the episode or if you would like to leave a review.
Speaker A:That's always lovely, too.
Speaker A:Helps people realize when they find the show that it's not a pile of shit, which is always helpful.
Speaker A:All right, I'll see you next week.
