The first six weeks

Rachel (: 00:02

Hello, welcome to Me And My Tiny Human. I am Rachel Corbett and today I'm going to be talking about the first six weeks. And then after that, I'm just going to leave this whole period of my life alone. Unless of course, anybody asks me a question about it, which you're welcome to do, but I don't want this podcast to sound like a moan fest, especially if you've turned up for some solo inspiration and you're thinking about doing it yourself. And then you're like, could you lay off the everything about this is shit gear. Cause it's really not helping.

So I wanted to talk about this time because I was really surprised at how little I had anticipated about how hard it would be. And some of that was just because I didn't know what I was getting into. But also a lot of that was because nobody that I knew who had had kids had really been honest about how bad it was until after I came out the other side and people were reaching out to me and I was very honest. There wasn't a part of me that was trying to sugar coat what had happened.

And so I was like, I've really found it hard, like I'm really struggling and I found it difficult. And people would be like, it is the worst. It's honestly the worst. And I was like, why didn't you say that before? Now, could that have prepared me for that time? No. Is there any value in scaring the pants of somebody going about to go into it? Probably not. Would I have maybe felt during the time that I wasn't just shit at it?

Maybe, I don't know. Maybe there wouldn't be any value in people telling me that. I don't know. I was just really surprised at how all encompassing the me too hand up kind of replies were when I said that I was finding it very difficult, but how that info kind of hadn't been shared at all up until that point.

I think I found it difficult because I had had a C-section so you can't do anything really for the first six weeks. You can't drive, you can't push a vacuum. One day I was like, mean, how ridiculous, you can't push a vacuum. And I had a few friends coming through on rotation and then I'd have to ask them to vacuum for me. And as an independent person, that is just, you just don't want to be doing that. You know, you can't really quite deal with that in your own mind. So I was like, I'm going to vacuum this goddamn house. And I pushed it around one room and the pain. It's like, okay, maybe they, maybe they've got something here.

So you really can't do anything, you can't drive. I had stairs so I couldn't carry the pram downstairs. So I couldn't get her out for a walk in the pram for the first six weeks. We didn't go anywhere in the car. I felt very trapped. And I think that was probably one of the biggest impacts on my life. Cause I'm very much somebody who goes out and about.

At about five weeks, I think the doula that I had coming in suggested this carrier and I bought it online and I tried to carry it before, but she just wasn't jazzed about it, but this one she liked. And then I was able to go out and walk with her on me. And I also had like a little treadmill at home. And so I would walk on the treadmill and do some work. It's like a desk treadmill. And so that was game changing for me. Then all of a sudden I was like, I can get things done. I'm free again.

But certainly through that whole period, the six weeks in particular I found it very, very, very hard and I found it really hard to be on my own. I think I mentioned this in a previous episode that I love being on my own and I have never, ever, ever felt like it was an issue, but I just could not be solo. And that was sort of concerning for me because I did not recognise myself. And I did at some points think this is now me forever. And I think that really scared me because I thought obviously I'd done something very life-changing. I didn't know whether things were going to shift back to me feeling like it was manageable. And I have always been very good in a crisis. I've always been very good if the walls are falling down around me, but I just felt so overwhelmed and permanently in a state of I can't handle this that I thought at some moments, is this going to be me from now on?

And that was quite frightening when you are the type of person who is used to being very capable at things. I wasn't capable and I was scared that that was going to be how I was forever. Luckily I came out the other side of it, I reckon probably about five weeks in. It started, I started to see the light, certainly by eight months. That was the first point at which I could honestly say when people asked me, is it enjoyable? Yes, without lying to their face.

Prior to that, if they asked me, I wouldn't lie to their face. I'd say, no, I love her. I'm aware she is great, but this is not great. I'm also very surprised when people say, oh, don't wish it away because you'll miss the newborn phase. Who misses the newborn phase? Is that really a thing? Maybe when they're 19 and you're thinking back on the history that you've had together and how far you've come.

But anybody who's looking back on the newborn phase and thinking, God, just can't wait to go back to that. This is why I think it's really silly to look at anybody's experience and say it's going to be like that for me, because for some people, I'm sure they thrive in this environment. I'm sure it does feel like a love bubble. For me, it felt like a hell bubble. There was nothing love bubble about it. There was no moments of sort of, heightened romance of what an amazing thing I've done. I think maybe if you have a partner, I can understand when you're looking at this person you've created and you're looking at each other and thinking, we did this, I'm sure there'd be some of those magic moments in that time, but certainly doing it on your own, it's just a hundred percent getting through it is sort of your main zone of focus. So there wasn't really much enjoyable about it. And I thought I might just go back through a couple of my journal entries and just see what I was thinking back then.

The other thing about that time too, that I realised over the period, there's only been one moment where I've thought this is where having a partner would have been really useful. And it was in the sending of the whatever pounds, how many ounces, this is the name, mum and bub doing well text. Because I did not tell anybody, including my father for two weeks.

My phone was blowing up so badly. People thought I had died in childbirth because everybody said goodbye, good luck. And then I did not answer a single text for two weeks because I could not get my head around it. And once the influx of texts got to a certain point, it was so overwhelming that I didn't even know where to start and I could not begin.

And I thought, my gosh, that is a very valuable role in this time is to just be responsible for the here is the name, here's the weight, mum and bub doing well, little bit of context, and then everybody can just shut up and get on with their lives. Because then I had some very delightful, caring friends checking in on me multiple times saying, Hey, are you okay? But for me, that just felt so overwhelming and like, my God, just let me get back to you when I am ready to get back to you.

So yeah, that whole period, the first two weeks, I just basically disappeared from everybody in my life, which probably isn't a really great thing to do, but I just couldn't handle it. And I really thought, yeah, having somebody sit in the hospital and do that is a worthwhile thing. And that's the only time I've ever thought that I wish I had a partner in this situation. It's a very crucial role, that moment. So don't underestimate how important a partner is in that environment.

But yeah, I wanted to have a look at some of the things that I'd written. And I've also shared some thoughts with somebody who's writing a book about that time. And it wasn't that far after the first little while that I spoke to her. And there's just a little excerpt that I wanted to go through. So let's start with a journal entry. So I wrote the day before she was induced. And then I wrote about like two weeks later.

And I said, well, I'm officially a parent and what a wild couple of weeks it's been. Little Olivia is 15 days old today and it was a tough, in capital letters, first week to say the least. Then this entry stops and then it picks up again two days later. Olivia woke up as I was writing, story of my life. I've not had time to write at all because it's been so relentless. I really didn't expect it to be this hard because I've never met a challenge that I couldn't nail on my own. So I assumed I'd be fine on the other side. But in truth, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I had no idea it would take this much out of me and feel so utterly overwhelming. Then I go into the story of the hospital, which you've already heard and don't need to hear again. If you haven't heard that yet, you can go back to a previous episode, but let's not relive it. You know, once is enough. The blue shoe covers moment was a real highlight for all of us. The next one is about two weeks after that. Today has been such a hard day with Olivia. She's not wanted to be off me. God, this was the thing I found the hardest was just her never wanting to be off me and in her crib all day. She just would not sleep in her crib and all she wanted to do was sleep on me. And I remember saying to the doula at the time, you sure that I'm not going to create a habit in this kid that she's never going to be able to sleep in a bed? And the doula was reassuring me constantly. And the truth is for the first month after they come out, they kind of have to be on you all the time. And I think eventually, I can't even remember when it was, but it was maybe like a month and a half or two months, then she started to slowly get into the crib. Now it wasn't for very long mind you, we were probably getting 15 minutes at a time and I'd have to pick her up in the carrier and take her for a walk again. But I really remember every time she would turn up to my house, I had had another day with her on me and I would say the first thing that would come out of my mouth was, are you sure that I'm not creating a habit because I actually can't live like this? I really cannot do this.

And the fact that I just didn't have anybody to hand her off to was the hardest thing about that time. I think just having to have her on top of me all the time. Sure. There was lovely moments where you're like, well, let's kiss and cuddle this tiny baby but after 20 hours of it, you just like, I need to do a wee and have some, a sandwich please.

I say, I think I got 45 minutes this morning, which was enough time to clean up. And then she hasn't wanted to go down for more than 10 minutes. Oh God, it was just so horrible this whole time, unless she was in my arms. I remember this. And today in a moment of absolute frustration, I hit the crib when she was in it. I didn't hit her and it wouldn't have felt like anything to her except a tiny jolt, but I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I did it. I was just at my wits end with this kid constantly refusing to sleep. I remember that moment so vividly. I just, yeah, hit the side of the crib and I, it's like she wouldn't have even registered but it was just, I was so overwhelmed, so truly overwhelmed and I just was, I did not know what to do. And a lot of people tell you if you feel like angry then you should just leave the room and then come back. And I'm not an aggressive person at all so I don't, you know, distrust myself or feel like I would ever get into a situation where I could get to a point where I would hurt her.

But I remember thinking in those early days, I just couldn't leave the room. I couldn't leave the room and leave her crying. I think as I got more comfortable with understanding what her cries were, and that for me was a game changer in terms of being able to manage it, it was like, this is the difference between a, I want you to pick me up, cry, and I just want you to go away so I can go to sleep, cry. When I started to be able to discern between those, then all of a sudden you can leave a room and be like, okay, she's just getting herself to sleep.

And that doesn't mean you're leaving a kid in there for 15 minutes. That just means that they are settling themselves to sleep. And if you aren't comfortable with crying at all, like good luck if you ever want your kid to sleep through. I don't know how you get a kid to sleep through the night without some form of crying for a short amount of time. And I certainly can talk more about sleep later in an episode, but I, for me knew that sleep was going to be essential for me because there was no tapping out. So I was very proactive early on, as soon as it kind of became clear that she was able to start to be sleep trained and things. I didn't want to be in a situation where six months down the track, I'm having to sit outside a door for 10 minutes while she cries herself to sleep with the sleep consultant. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, Like, let's get on this really early. And yes, you still have to stand outside, but you stand outside for a minute and half rather than 45 minutes or whatever. So I was very, very keen on getting her to sleep. But in those early days, I couldn't have gone and gotten a cup of tea and listened to her cry in a room and come in. I just couldn't. And so I was with her all the time and it was truly, truly relentless.

And I just remember feeling so overwhelmed and as though this was just not at all achievable. And it can feel, and it did feel during that time to me like this would be my life forever. It's very hard to see when you've never done it before that life is going to feel more manageable than this. And I did have a night midwife who would come overnight with me. Absolutely brilliant investment. I highly recommend it. But I tell you by seven o'clock at night, I was so ready to hand that kid over and she would stay overnight until seven o'clock in the morning for me.

And that was really helpful because I was still breastfeeding. So I would still wake up and feed the kid, but she would sort of change the nappy and then come and get me up. And then I would feed the kid and then I would go back and sleep while she sort of settled the kid back, back at the kid I'm talking about, like, I'm just talking, looking after some random, my kid.

So that was sort of game changing, but those sleeping moments and having her on me all the time, that was the hardest thing about those six weeks. And when she started to transition out of that, that's when it starts to feel like you can potentially do this.

So let's have a look when's the next time I've written. Oh, two months later, two months later. So this is like, hang on, let me see. So the, yeah, two months after. So this was just past the six week mark. So let's see what I say here.

It says, guess the fact I've written nothing across what has been the single most monumental experience of my life should say something about how unrelenting and difficult it's been. This is just a positivity fest. This thing is not, I should probably burn this after I've had this recorded this episode. I feel like now with her two months tomorrow, there are definite glimmers of light. Oh, thank Christ, frig me dead. Around about the, we're all saying, you included. Around about the five week mark, things started to get mildly more managerial.

I love how you just don't want to overstate it. Like I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying it's slightly less horrific. I think it was probably to do with her sleeping longer stretches at night, although then the days became almost impossible because she refused to sleep anywhere but on me. I found that truly exhausting and really mentally tough because I couldn't get a minute to myself. That really, through honestly all of parenting, has been the one hardest thing. And I remember when she was sleeping overnight sort of, and by sleeping, I mean, you know, she's started to sleep for like a four hour stretch or something. We're not talking like she was sleeping all the way through the night. But then during the day, you're like, I'm not going to be trying to get up at 3 a.m. and get stuff done. It was weird because I was like, well, I don't want her to not sleep at night, but I'd also love it if she was kind of a better day sleeper because I want to try and get up and do things in the day. But instead I was sort of trapped under this kid. So it was just, it just really was a whole mind screw that entire time.

About the four week mark I got a carrier and that's what I mentioned about the doula and she would actually go to sleep in me. That was just truly if I can recommend anything, I'll put a link to the carrier that I had in the show notes. If I can recommend anything, it's getting a carrier and just going for a walk with the kid and then she or he is on you, they're close to you and you just feel like you're out and about. I would just walk for hours. At one point I was doing about 30,000 steps a day and I loved it because it just meant that I wasn't trapped in the house.

I think because of those first six weeks being trapped the whole time, people are like, you're walking, walking 30,000 steps? I'm like, honestly, I just don't want to be inside. It's all I want. So yeah, I said, I think that was probably the true turning point for me. Then I referenced something that I would recommend a couple of weeks after that, I bought a Rockit. Now, if you don't know what a Rockit is, I will again, put a link in the show notes and I encourage you to get one for your child. It basically is a device that vibrates on the side of the pram. So it feels a bit like it's rocking even when it's stationary.

Which was really good because she stopped sleeping, I had a snoo. I borrowed one just before you're like, somebody's doing well for themselves. I borrowed one from a friend, but honest to God, they are worth the money. I don't know. I could not count how many additional hours of sleep that I got thanks to that thing and being able to sort of turn it up from the app in my bed, even though she was right next to me and get her to rock back to sleep was game changing.

But this Rockit, you sit on a stationary pram. And so I would actually put it on the pram in the house and put her into the bassinet in the pram because she stopped liking the Snoo. So then I tried that and that got me a little bit of time every now and then. And when you're about a little bit, a little bit of time, it's really amazing how much of a tiny increment can make you feel like your life is the best it's ever been. Like if she would sleep for an extra seven minutes, you'd like, my God, this is just a game changer.

So I actually say here, she slept for an hour and a half. I mean, at that point, holy crap, that would have been like the best day I'd ever had. Truly. Then I actually talk about, I'm almost back at work at this point. I went back to work a couple of months after this and I had her down at daycare. And then I decided actually when I realised how little she was going to be, was like, I can't put this kid in daycare.

And so I kept nannies until she was about 10 months before I started her in daycare. But yeah, then I actually have quite a few positive journal entries because I had people helping me then and I would sort of take a step away and sit down and write in my diary while my child was being looked after. Really, honestly, if you're going to do this by yourself, make sure you have a lot of help. Just get every single person that you can possibly get, even if you can't afford to pay them, say to your friend, could you come over for a few hours once a month and then rotate like 31 friends through the month.

Because just having a bit of that space and time is so important. I just want to lastly find this little excerpt from this book. So where is it? Here we go. I found the first six weeks of motherhood fucking hard. That's good, you can put that in print. Almost impossible, which was strange for me because I'm good in a crisis, as I mentioned. But this is an interesting point. It's not like you're there with a reasonable person. You can't reason your way out of something. You can't even get angry at a baby.

That's the thing I think I didn't realise when I was like, Oh, you know, I've been through so many difficult things in my life. I can get through this. There's no reason or logic. So if you're a logical, practical, reasonable person, like I am, I mean, throw that out the window. Cause that is absolutely pointless. When you are hanging out with this person who you're aware you love a lot, but at the same time, it's the first person in your life you've ever loved that treats you this bad. You know, they just are making your life a living hell. They're screaming at you 24 hours a day.

They're not sleeping, they're demanding that if they sleep, it needs to be on you, even though they treat you like shit all the time. It's just like, hang on a minute. It's very hard to kind of get your mind around it. I say the first six weeks felt as though it'd go on forever. People tell you it won't always be like this and you can rationalise that, but it felt like I was going to be broken forever. You understand why people get to the end of their tether because all reason or everything is completely removed. You're just operating on heightened emotion and adrenaline.

So it was nice when it clicked over into feeling like this is hard, but I can handle it. This feels more like me. The first six weeks I was like, who is this person? I'm just going to water and I don't know who I am. I think that was the most fundamentally difficult thing, as I mentioned, just not recognising yourself in the mirror, just seeing how you had operated in every other difficult time in your life and thinking, you know, that's the reason I can go into difficult spots because I know, right, I have enough of that historical muscle memory to know that I will get through the other side of this because I can just draw on things that I've done before.

And then all of a sudden you find yourself in a difficult situation, but it is unlike any difficult situation you've faced before. And so all of that stuff doesn't matter. It's in fact completely useless to you. You could be great at being difficult in an emotional crisis. You could be fantastic in being, you know, super duper in a hostage situation, but those skills matter not.

It is just basically you holding on for dear life as your world crumbles around you. No, it's not. But I just honestly wanted to share a bit of that. You know, try to take a little trip down memory lane together. Have a look at what I, what I wrote back then, because I don't mean to scare you. I don't mean to say that this is going to be what it's like for you. In fact, you might cruise into this and absolutely think this is the best stage of all, but I just really felt as though not very many people talked about how bad it was until afterwards.

And I wonder whether it's because people feel embarrassed. I certainly know at the time, I didn't feel like I could lie, but I also felt this seems not great for me to be saying, I don't like this because the way that people would lead into it, as I said, was always like, oh, are you in the love bubble? You know, are you loving it?

That was the expectation and I can imagine if that's what people are being asked all the time and maybe in the past, God, I really can't remember how I would communicate with people about babies before I had one. But I just remember thinking, I just didn't know that people had difficulty with this. And when people did start to really be honest about that, then I realised, maybe we just need to speak a bit more about this. Anyway, I think that will probably be the end of the sob story section of this podcast.

How about I just put the journal away and we kind of move forward from that first little bit into some happier times.

If you have a question you would like answered, then please submit it by the link in the show notes and I will see you next episode. and if you're enjoying the show, please share it with a friend of yours, especially if they've kind of been thinking about having a baby by themselves and they're like, can I really do this? Tell them to come over and say hi and I'll see you and hopefully them next week.