I'm sorry but...you're not solo parenting

Rachel Corbett: 00:00:02

Hello there. This will be the final episode of this season.

So if you have been with me through these episodes right from the beginning, even if you've been here from the start, when I was talking about that horrible hospital time that I had and having recently had a friend of mine give birth and be in hospital for a while, and I just am remembering all of the stuff that happened during that time and just thinking, yep, I'm not gonna go back there again. No. Thank you. But, yes, if you've been here from the start and you've gone through all of this season, thank you so much for listening to the show.

Thank you. If you have reached out by social media or email, or if you've left a review, thank you. If you've shared the show.

I really enjoy making it and I will definitely be back for another season. I just, you know, life gotta juggle a few balls.

So just putting this ball down for a moment so I can pick up a few others, do my routine over there, and then come back to this one to wrap up the season, I thought I would talk about something that I find quite amusing and that a lot of people say to me and then the facial reaction that you can see when they've said it, they feel like they've done something wrong. But I just wanted to issue a sense of comfort to you if you have said this to somebody.

I mean, other solo parents might think differently about this, but I certainly don't. I'm not concerned about it. It is the idea of coupled people saying, oh, I'm a single parent this weekend, for a start.

I'm just going to say you're not. You're not.

Like, I know it's really hard when you've got two pairs of hands or even more pairs of hands to help out to then go down to one pair of hands. Everything is relative. And I do actually think that while people in coupled situations often will come into me, I've no idea how you get it done.

I understand that, but this is my reality. It doesn't feel uncomfortable, unmanageable, because I know there's nobody else here. I know there's no support.

So you just plan your day accordingly and you get it all sorted, you know, so if I had an extra pair of hands, like, it would feel, oh, my gosh, like amazing light work.

And I always think to myself, if there was a partner here, provided the partner was actually doing something, I could imagine logistically this would be, you know, a lot easier. But I can totally understand why in a couple, when you are by yourself, you would go, this.

This is hell, because it's not your real reality and you're used to it.

But people will often say that, and they will either forget I'm on my own, or they will find out afterwards, and then they'll feel really bad about saying it. And I'm like, don't feel bad. Like, please don't feel bad for that.

It is entirely your experience, and if you have your partner gone away, you know, then that will feel really difficult, but there is no way in hell you are. So I sometimes feel when people say that, like, I'm like, I get it, but I would love to chuck you in my life for a week.

I just think the thing about that that I find interesting is while you have less hands in the moment, the person that's gone away for the weekend is coming back. Like, you know, and if the really hit the fan and something went wrong, they would come back quicker.

And if something goes wrong while you're there, you have someone to call to troubleshoot it with. But that doesn't happen at all when you're on your own. When you're on your own, it's like, how am I working this out with me, myself?

And I. I mean, you also could just get a podcast and start talking to people about it like I had, and see if you're able to at all get your thoughts in order by just talking into a microphone once a week.

But all of that additional kind of mental assistance or having someone to lean on or I think the greater thing is probably having someone else who, even if they're absent at that particular moment, or maybe they might be absent more generally, they are supposed to be equally responsible for this situation. So when you have an issue or you need something done, like, there's someone else there that can weigh in on that.

And I do think that's probably one of the bigger things that I find difficult in the solo mum thing is just, you know, there's nobody else that Olivia's wellbeing is a priority for. So when I'm trying to sort of sort things out, I have a lot of great friends. I talk a lot to my friends about things.

But I guess when you're trying to nut things out, it's, you know, you don't have that sounding board there, which can be really difficult. I would say on the flip side of that, though, you can run things your own way.

You know, you've got nobody else who has a different opinion, who's like, I don't think we should do it that way, which I can imagine would be highly difficult.

And interestingly, when I talk to parents who are parenting on their own, you know, they'll often say, I'm single parenting or I'm solo parenting, but then a lot of them will sort of say, oh, that was actually really nice to be by myself. And I do think, while the help would be great, that I actually have a situation that's a lot easier. It's not easier logistically by any means.

And you have to kind of, you know, be the type of person that has your shit together. You have to be able to organize stuff and pre plan and be on top of things.

But I don't mind that as a lifestyle, you know, I kind of like being organized in that way.

I definitely think when I'm hanging out with other friends who are parents, and that's why I love to be around my mates who are parents or go away with other parents, is it really is incredible to be able to sit there and go, oh my gosh, somebody else could get my kid a sandwich while I sit on the couch, or someone can run a bath and I might go walk around the block. Like, that just doesn't happen in my life. And those are definitely things that I. I would love to have in my life.

But I do feel like there is an ease and a simplicity to doing things on your own that make me really glad for the way that I've done it. I especially think on the relationship side of things.

I know couples who are in wonderful relationships where the division of labor is equal and they get an incredible amount of support from their partner.

But I know more relationships where there is a disconnect between the parenting styles, where one person, mostly the woman, is pulling more weight and taking on more of the mental load. And even when that is communicated to the other person, it's not understood. It's not truly felt.

In a way that's like, I get what I have to step up and do here. And so it's something that has to be constantly communicated.

And so when I think about that, that tires me more than having to sort out a life with a kid by myself. What is tough in my life is logistics. It is having any space for myself.

It is taking a breath, it is doing a handoff, but it's not anything emotional. My life is completely free of any emotional difficulties. And that hasn't always been the case in my life.

But in terms of having another person in my life that I'm having to navigate things with, like, even in A good relationship. There's time in this space.

And I was having a conversation with someone the other day who said that I was cynical about relationships, which is completely not true. Like, I actually, I love, love. I love relationships. I, you know, look at other people in relationships. I think this is, you know, so magic.

And I know what it feels like to be in a good relationship, but I also understand the time, the effort, the amount of attention you need to put in, justifiably so, to a relationship if you're going to really make it work. If you want a good relationship that doesn't happen by accident, you have to invest in that relationship. You have to have time and.

And communication, and you have to iron out the kinks. And if things go wrong, you have to be willing to both come to the table and sort out a solution.

And you need to look into each other's eyes and say, we are going to sort this out because both of us are committed to being here on the other side of that. And that requires time. And I ain't got time.

Know, the idea of starting up another relationship and building that would be to the detriment of my child. Like, the only time that I would have to dedicate to that would be time away from Olivia wouldn't be impacting my 9 to 5.

It'd be the hours outside of that.

And that sort of mental load of trying to keep a relationship going and healthy and functioning and happy at the same time that you're doing something that takes all of your energy, all of your attention, all of your time, all of your spirit, it can really leave you with absolutely nothing left. I don't want to be in a relationship where the best that I've got to give someone is the dregs of what I've got.

And that is kind of why I feel that being on my own and just getting this done and focusing fully on my daughter is actually really a lot easier than being in a relationship. So when people say to me, oh, I'm single parenting, or I'm a solo parent this weekend, it doesn't really piss me off. It doesn't upset me.

You know, I know that it does actually upset a lot of people. And you can see that's the case because when people say it and they realize, they almost immediately go, oh.

Because they're like, oh, God, I've stepped on a minefield there. I've stuffed that up. But I'm like, my God, for your experience right now. Like, that is what it would feel like.

You have help you don't have help this weekend, this morning. Some people, when they're like, oh, I'm solo parenting this morning, I'm like, your husband went to the gym. Like, have a little dose of perspective.

Or. I had one woman the other day, she didn't know I was a solo parent. I love that when parents start whinging and they don't know you're on your own.

And she was complaining about how she hadn't gotten to the go to the gym in two weekends because her husband had been away and Saturday morning was the gym and, like, space time, and she usually takes the morning off. And I was like, oh, I feel so bad for you. That sounds absolutely terrible.

I mean, if I could get five minutes to myself, it wouldn't be a blessing anyway. But I get that this is like the reality for people. But I honestly, I don't know.

I look at that situation and I'm just like, I actually think this is the easier path. I do think this is less complicated. It's tiring. But when you know this is what you got to get done, you just get it done.

You just do it, you know, like, it's so much easier when you don't think someone's coming over the hill to save you, to just get to saving yourself and to not complain about it because you're not expecting anybody to roll up. You're like, this is my job. This is what I got to do. And also, I chose this life. This was my decision.

I can imagine the two situations that I think would be the most hard is the situation when you are a single parent, but you didn't plan to be where something has happened and you are now by yourself. That I can imagine would be so difficult because you had this idea of how things would roll out.

And I can imagine it's very hard to let go of that and to then get along with the day to day, because then the day to day, everything that's difficult is measured by the. But it was supposed to be like this. So I can imagine that's tough.

The other situation that I think would probably be even tougher than that is being in a relationship with somebody who's MIA and isn't helpful.

And you've got to deal with looking after a child, bearing all of the responsibility for that, and then seething with resentment at the person across from you who is supposed to be stepping up and doing something, and they're just not.

And if you are in one of those situations, you know, I really, like, truly my heart goes out to you, Because I. I can imagine that that would be so, so difficult because I think when your version of reality is different to what you imagined, what you were promised, what you thought, what you dreamed, what you hoped, that is a very difficult thing to kind of grapple with.

Whereas when your reality is like, this is going to be me by myself fudging through it, well, then you can't be disappointed in anybody but yourself for choosing this path. You know, you got to pull your socks up and get going.

So if you ever see me in the street and you accidentally say that to me, you don't have to go after you've said it. I get it. It does feel like single parenting. It's just not. It's just not.

Anyway, better to laugh about these things, you know, because if you don't laugh, you'll cry. But it's moments like that where I am very, very confident that I made the right decision for me.

Even once somebody said to me, who is a solo mum and chose to do that? Said to me, don't you ever look at couples in a restaurant and think I should have done with their kid and think I should have done that?

Or see, you know, a husband helping their wife into the car and think I should have done it that way? And I said to that person, nah. And that's when you know you made the right decision for you.

And I also think that's why it's important to make this decision if you are going to go down this path for the right reasons. Because if I was going down to the park and seeing parents all the time with their kids and thinking all the time, oh, my gosh, I wish that was me.

I don't know how I'd get through the day, you know, if I didn't genuinely, like, not even cop the clients. I'm like, oh, gosh, yes, you do. You boo. You know, it's. That would be all consuming, you know.

So, yeah, definitely went down the right path for me, that is for sure. And that is the end of this season. Thank you so much for sticking with me. Thank you so much for joining me for each episode. Please.

My email is in the description of this episode.

I would love to hear from you and definitely if you have any questions, I also have a link in the description to where you can submit questions if you've got questions about anything or you can just email me and share your thoughts, anything you'd like to hear about in the next season or any of the sort of things as you're thinking or hearing me talk that you're like, oh, that'd be interesting. Like, you know, the suggestion that I shouldn't hook up with other donor sibling parents.

I'm gonna definitely look into that over the break and see if I can connect with some people there. Really apprec you listening to the show. I hope you enjoy it.

And if you do, please share it with people that, you know that you think would like it, too, and I will see you on the next season.