That time strangers judged me for my parenting

Rachel: 00:00:02

Hello, welcome to the show. Today, I have a question from Maddie. And gee, was this perfectly timed, Maddie?

Because this situation happened to me only a few days ago and it is fresh on my mind, and I'm real keen to talk about it. Her question was: Have you ever been judged for your parenting?

And I would start off by saying that I think if you are a good parent, you are your own worst judge at all times.

Often friends of mine who are really good parents will beat themselves up about small, insignificant things that have not scarred their child, that have not set back their years of hard work — that are just a normal reaction and response in the situation and completely understandable. But it’s those kinds of things, I think, that good parents keep themselves up at night about.

And this is one of the things I think about a lot — when you're thinking about the judgment that other people put on other parents, and just the sense of...

I don’t know whether entitlement is the right word, or the sense of confidence to just waltz on up to somebody you don't know and offer your opinion.

It always really amazes me, because you have absolutely no idea what has happened in that person’s life in the preceding half hour, day, week, whatever.

I was talking last week about the fact that I feel like I am in the hardest stage — bar the first six weeks — at the moment, because I am parenting a toddler who’s becoming independent. And good for her... but really annoying for me.

I was the mum that was dragging a screaming — well, not dragging, but carrying — a screaming toddler out to the exit of Taronga Zoo because it had taken an hour for us to make the small distance that we'd made. I’m sitting there trying to let her come to it in her own time and do it if she’s ready... and at a certain point, I’m like, “I’m the boss around here and you are due for a nap and we need to go the hell home.”

But even that process of getting to the exit with this kid screaming — I was trying to make sure that everybody around me knew, like, nothing to see here, guys. I’m not a maniac parent. This isn’t me being horrible to my child. I’m just in one of those situations.

So you’re kind of trying to make sure that they can tell you're not a serial killer with a child, by the way that you hold your face.

So I was kind of trying to laugh it off while getting her to the exit, because in your mind all you're thinking of is: God, I hope these people don’t think I’m not good to this child. Because I really care about her and I love her — but I’m just at my wit’s end.

So yes, I feel like that sense of judgment is with you all the time on a personal level.

But the other day, I had quite a specific example happen to me that I really was quite surprised by.

My kid is pretty predictable when it comes to bedtimes, naps, and things like that.

As I mentioned in a previous episode, sleep was one of the things I was like, We are going to approach this with military precision. Because I am going to get this right — because the alternative is that I am up at 3am by myself. And those dark hours during that time were the worst for me.

So I was like, I do not want a kid that doesn't sleep. I'm going to do everything in my power to give her all the tools she needs to sleep. If she then is not a sleeper, then that’s fine. But it's not going to be because I was slack on this. I'm gonna push forward.

Anyway, now we’re in a good rhythm with sleep. She's a good sleeper. We know the routine.

But the whole toddler phase has clipped in, and it takes us a flipping long time to get to the actual cot.

Now we've got to go through the process.

Before, it was just like, “Oh, book!” and then I’d go, “Brush your teeth,” and she'd be like, “Brush our teeth.”

Now, no — we're not just brushing our teeth.

We’ve got to negotiate. She's got to pull Cupcake the giant unicorn out.

She’s got to show me that she does the horsey song on its back.

Then we’ve got to go into the kitchen, try and pull something out of the drawers. I’ve got to talk her out of that.

Then we go back to the books, and I have to tell her, “No, no, we've read the books. We're moving to brush our teeth now.”

Then we brush our teeth, and she doesn’t want that toothbrush that I’ve given her, so we have to have another toothbrush.

And then she needs to pat the Barbies in the bath and tell them they have to have a good night.

And then we need to go back out again and ride Cupcake the unicorn.

I mean, it’s really just a time.

The actual process of getting her into bed is an utter punish.

But I got her into bed.

We had a lovely textbook “night-night” time where I sing her her I love you Olivia song.

Then I walked out the door and she was like, “Mummy, another cuddle.”

So I ran back and gave her a cuddle.

Then I went to shut the door and she was like, “Bye Mummy.” And I was like, “Bye!”

And I thought, Oh, what a wonderful little nap routine that was.

Then, about 30 seconds later, she starts screaming — for no reason.

Now, this is very unlike my child at nap time.

Very unlike her.

And I was like, she’s fine. Nothing’s happened.

So I look on the monitor — she's standing up in her cot, she’s screaming about her water bottle.

So I was like, okay. She's chucked her water bottle out of the bed.

I run in, thinking, Okay, I’ll give you your water bottle, here you go.

I’m expecting, “Thanks, Mum.”

Because in normal circumstances, that would be enough.

And she is beside herself.

Then she starts telling me to get the water bottle out of her bed — because it’s not her water bottle, it's my water bottle.

I’m like, this is your pink water bottle.

You just threw it out of the bed and started screaming for your water bottle, so I came in and I gave you your water bottle.

And she's like, “No, it’s your water bottle. Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!”

I’m like, okay, all right.

Didn’t mean to upset you with a water bottle. I’ll go out now.

My mistake here was truly going in there in the first place.

Because usually, when the door shuts, it’s “night-night” time.

Now, she doesn’t wail and hoot and holler for a long time.

She might have a little cry or something — nothing major — and then she kind of settles in.

Usually, when the door shuts, she knows Mummy ain’t coming back unless you really need her.

Hence me going in to get the water bottle.

But when I opened the door a crack, I saw she was closing the blinds.

She has these blinds in her room. She’s very predictable.

When she wakes up and she’s ready, she opens the blind.

Sometimes she opens the blind, stands up, and then goes, “I’m not ready to go to sleep yet,” and closes the blinds and goes back to sleep.

So the blinds are a real indicator for me of whether she’s going to sleep or not.

When I opened the door the first time to bring in the water bottle, I saw her turn around and go to close the blinds.

Should’ve shut the door then. That was my mistake.

Note for next time: the door remains shut.

Then I came out and I was like, “Okay, do you want me to take this water bottle outside?”

“You don’t want it in your bed?”

“Yes, no, take it outside, take it outside.”

So I say, “Okay, but you're okay with me taking it outside?”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

So I go outside, I shut the door — we are screaming the house down for the pink water bottle again.

And I’m standing outside the door thinking, Are you shitting me? You’ve got to be kidding.

I just walked in here with the pink water bottle.

But she’s a smart kid, right? She doesn’t scream for things that aren’t reasonable.

If she’s screaming for a pink water bottle, she usually wants a pink water bottle.

So I give it to her — usually it works.

She’s not much of a screamer.

So I was like, what is this about?

What I think it was probably about is: she didn’t want me to go.

And I think she knew I was going to work.

This was a Sunday.

I had to go to work.

And I think she knew I was going to go.

So I go back into the room because she’s screaming. I bring in the water bottle.

And she’s like, “No!”

And I’m losing my mind at this point.

Then we go through another process where I talk to her about the water bottle.

I say, “You asked me to take it outside. Last time, you screamed for Mummy to bring it back in. So this time, if I take it outside — that’s it.”

“Yes, that’s it. We’re not having the water bottle back in here again.”

“Yes.”

Off I go again.

Shut the door.

The screaming comes.

So I’m in a situation now where I’ve gone in three times.

I pick her up, I sing to her, I change her nappy — she says she did a poo — she didn’t do a poo.

I change her anyway.

I put her back in bed.

But now I’m like, “Okay, my love. You’ve got to go to bed.”

You’re clean, dry, fine. Everything’s okay.

You’re having some kind of meltdown about the water bottle — I don’t know what it’s about.

But you need sleep.

That’s the best thing for you.

So I walk out. Shut the door. She’s having a meltdown.

The nanny that looks after her on Sundays was arriving — she’s been with me since the very beginning.

She’s second family.

If there’s anyone second to me that she loves as much, it’s going to be her.

She usually turns up to absolute peace and quiet — my child sleeping for two hours.

So when she walked up the staircase and heard screaming, she was like, “What is happening?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

She said, “Look, if you go, it’s not going to make a difference if you keep going in. I’ll just go into her. I’ll settle her. You go — get to work.”

So I open the door to leave — and there are a couple of people walking up the stairs.

I am mortified because my child is screaming.

And you don’t want anyone to think your child is sad and upset, because you’re trying your best to make sure she’s happy and cared for.

So I said, “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. My kid’s having a meltdown.”

And they said, “Yeah, we know. That’s why we came up.”

P.S. I’ve never seen these people before in my life.

They don’t live in my building.

I don’t know where they came from.

I don’t know if they were visiting friends.

I don’t know if they heard it from the street and just found their way into my building.

Either way, I came out as a mother trying to set the tone and say,

“Hey, this is a bit shit. My kid's having a meltdown. Even if you came up, I get it — my kid was having a proper crack at it.”

But then if the person comes out and it’s obviously not a situation, say,

“Oh God, okay, that’s great. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Or, “Didn’t know if you needed any help.”

Whatever.

No, no, no.

They stood their ground and said,

“Yeah, but it’s been going on for a while.”

Excuse me?

Oh shit, you’re doubling down.

Okay. All right, great.

So now I’m standing on the landing of my apartment building, and they’re not letting me pass, and they’re not backing down.

And I’m like, what do you think is going on here?

I am the mum of a two-year-old.

My kid has just been negotiating an absolutely insane thing with me about a water bottle that doesn’t even make sense.

You think this has been going on for a long time?

The last 45 minutes have felt like five years to me.

Like, I’m aware this has been going on for a long time because I’ve been trying to work out how the f*** do I make it stop for the last 45 minutes, and doing everything I felt in my power I could do — to the point where I’ve got nothing left in the tank anymore.

All I know is that she needs to sleep, because that’s the best thing for her.

So the only thing that came out of my mouth was:

“I’m not a bad mother.”

Because I didn’t know what else to say.

That’s the inference, right?

If I’ve said to you, “I’m sorry, she’s having a bit of a meltdown,” and you’ve then said, “Yeah, but… but it’s been going on for a while...”

What am I supposed to do with that information?

So then I walk past them and walk down the stairs and they were again like,

“Yeah, we know. We didn’t say you were a bad mother, but it’s just been happening for a bit.”

I’m like, “Okay, thanks so much for your concern, assholes.”

Like, do you think I don’t feel bad enough as it is?

I’m trying to comfort my child, make sure she has a good sleep, go into her nap, know what the right thing to do is, and I know she settles herself — that’s how she goes to sleep.

She’s as predictable as they come, because we’ve done this since the dawn of time.

And she’s acting in a really unpredictable way, but I know she’s not sad or unhappy or needs me — she’s just having a bit of a moment.

So I think, okay — if I step out of the room, and stop coming in with a goddamn water bottle she keeps asking for and then screaming about — that might help.

If I just let her have a moment to herself and come through the other side, will that give me a break?

And then I get in the car and I go to work, and I’m like,

Did I let her cry for too long? Am I a bad parent? Should I have done that? What do I do?

I care and love for this child so much.

All I want to do is give her a safe environment to grow up in, where she feels comfortable and cared for and everything.

And then you just end up feeling like this horrible person because of one moment in your entire life.

In that situation, there’s a part of me that’s like, okay — you hear a kid screaming, you want to come and check everything’s okay? Totally fine.

But if the mum comes out and says,

“We're in the middle of a goddamn meltdown and I'm trying to work out what to do…”

Just do me a favour and don’t double down.

Because that really throws you into a spiral.

And it's very unhelpful.

So yes, Maddie.

I have been judged for my parenting — just recently.

And thank you for letting me share my thoughts about it.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

You can always send me a question at the link in the description of the episode.

Or you can just send me a little note and tell me what you think about this — if you’ve had a similar experience, if I’m overreacting, if I’m underreacting, if I just need to let it the f go.

I mean, I have let it the f go now.

But that first day, though?

I was just like… Are you serious?

It’s just really hard, you know?

You’re just so often trying your best.

And sometimes you don’t get it 100% right.

But you’re also not necessarily dealing with an individual that you can get it 100% right with — because they’re their own individual.

And sometimes they’re screaming at you about a pink water bottle and it doesn’t make sense.

Can’t wait until I get out of this phase.

And then somebody who’s in another phase of parenting will tell me,

“Well that phase is over… now this phase starts.”

Shut up.

Let me just revel in the fact that this one will be over at a certain point in time and move on with my life.

If you’ve got a question, as I said, just head to the description of the episode and you can submit it there.

And I will see you next week.