Episode 13
Have I robbed my daughter of something by going solo?
Today I'm answering this question from Carly...
"Do you ever feel any level of guilt for your daughter that because of your (our) choice, she won’t have a father (one of the good ones - engaged, mature, loving) in her life? Yes it was the right decision for me but i do question myself on that sometimes." - Carly (& my little one, Gracen)
Do I ever think about whether I should have gone down a different path? You'll have to listen to find out!
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wangal people, of the Eora Nation.
I pay my respects to Elders past and present.
EPISODE CREDITS:
Host: Rachel Corbett
Editing Assistance: Josh Newth
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Click here to submit a question to the show
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Transcript
Hello there.
Speaker A:Welcome to the show.
Speaker A:Today I'm going to be answering a question and I just wanted to start by saying a big thank you to everybody who has contacted me, whether it's on social media, email, I have been a little bit surprised at the response to the podcast and not that I assumed that it was going to be crappy, but you just underestimate how many women there are that are either doing this already or.
Speaker A:Or are thinking about doing this.
Speaker A:And so I just wanted to thank you.
Speaker A:If you are one of the many people who has reached out to me, I am trying to get back to everybody.
Speaker A:It is a little bit overwhelming.
Speaker A:And so if you haven't heard back from me, please, I do apologize.
Speaker A:But I really do appreciate every question, every contact, every delightful bloody review.
Speaker A:Like, thank you very much for that.
Speaker A:That really helps when people find the show to work out whether it's something that they should check out as well.
Speaker A:So I really do appreciate you taking the time to do that.
Speaker A:So I just wanted to say thank you at start for that.
Speaker A:And there is a link in the description of the episode if you want to submit a question.
Speaker A:But yeah, I just wanted to say thank you if you have sent a question in so far because I've been pretty blown away and it's really just amazing to see the community and all these women that are doing it and wanting to do it.
Speaker A:Yeah, just really, really cool.
Speaker A:So thank you so much.
Speaker A:So this question is from Carly, who is a single mom by choice or solo mum by choice as well, and she has asked me a really cool question.
Speaker A:I've got just a lot of really interesting, some kind quite deep questions that have made me think a little bit about how I'm doing things and also really process things that I might not have actively thought about, but that I definitely subconsciously thought about.
Speaker A:And so I'm gonna, you know, talk about some of that in the next few episodes.
Speaker A:But this question was, I'm a smbc also, do you ever feel any level of guilt for your daughter because of your choice?
Speaker A:She also said our choice because she's also a solo mum by choice.
Speaker A:She won't have a father, one of the good ones, engaged, mature, loving in her life.
Speaker A:Yes, it was the right decision for me, but I question myself on that sometimes.
Speaker A:Thanks and congratulations on your lovely podcast and even lovely your Olivia and life as family of two.
Speaker A:So that was Carly and her little one is Grayson.
Speaker A:So Carly, this is such a great question, but the answer is just no.
Speaker A:And sometimes that makes me think, oh, should I be more worried about that.
Speaker A:Is that a problem?
Speaker A:That's why some of these questions have been so great, because they've made me really reflect on how I feel about things.
Speaker A:If I had had an amazingly committed, wonderful, caring, trustworthy partner.
Speaker A:But I had thought to myself, you know what?
Speaker A:I think this is just going to be better to do on my own.
Speaker A:And I left and had a child on my own.
Speaker A:And then all of the stuff that I've been through over the last couple of years happened with the knowledge that I could have had somebody who had a second pair of hands and also was all of these wonderful qualities there, but I said no to it.
Speaker A:I can understand how I would have probably regretted that, but I didn't have that guy sitting there, you know.
Speaker A:So my choices were go through the process of trolling through the old dating apps or just wandering around in my life hoping that I meet somebody or just focus on getting this part of my life done when dating can happen at any stage.
Speaker A:And I had always kind of thought that this would be a really wonderful option.
Speaker A:And so that's the path I took.
Speaker A:And so I've never regretted my decision to go down this path or, or thought about how it might negatively impact her because a, she wouldn't exist if I hadn't have gone down this path.
Speaker A:And I feel really confident in the life and the love that I can give her.
Speaker A:And I feel like even though I don't have a partner in the mix, I will definitely bring really strong, good male influences around.
Speaker A:I also think the fact that you have a choice about who those people are and whether they stay in your life or not, you don't have that with a partner, do you?
Speaker A:And I've met, met plenty of people that have started a relationship with somebody that they felt was all of those wonderful characteristics and then it turned pear shaped and now they're in a dual custody situation where what they would really like to do is leave this person behind and never speak to them again.
Speaker A:But what they have to do is see them every couple of weeks for the handover and it all becomes very murky and yucky and weird and there's none of that complication in my life.
Speaker A:So I am confident that I gave it the best nudge that I possibly could to find that type of partner.
Speaker A:I think one of the things that used to really bug me when I was single, when people would say to me, why are you still single?
Speaker A:You're such a catch now.
Speaker A:This really used to pave me off, even though it was Intended as a compliment.
Speaker A:I know that.
Speaker A:I'm clear on that.
Speaker A:I didn't feel offended by the question so much as the subtext of that question, which I don't think anybody who isn't single really realizes what they're asking.
Speaker A:But what I always felt when I heard that question was that people didn't think I had any agency in this decision.
Speaker A:So it made me feel that as a single woman, I am sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked and that if I don't get picked, the assumption is, well, how have you been left?
Speaker A:You seem like a really good person, so how hasn't somebody walked past the shelf and grabbed you?
Speaker A:And I was myself?
Speaker A:Or what about if I'm doing the walking past the shelves?
Speaker A:Am I involved in this decision making at all?
Speaker A:Could I maybe have not found somebody that I felt was good enough for.
Speaker A:For my life and what I wanted to create, that I didn't feel like I could find somebody that would make my life infinitely better?
Speaker A:Like, could I have been responsible for that decision?
Speaker A:Or is it just that you can't believe that somebody hasn't come and grabbed me off the shelf yet?
Speaker A:You know, it always felt a little disempowering to me and I definitely tried.
Speaker A:When I was my late 30s and I left a long term relationship, I did feel, I have been in relationships before where I have felt that they would go to that next level and they didn't.
Speaker A:And that was right for those relationships.
Speaker A:Those eventually weren't the right relationships.
Speaker A:Even though at the time, I think, you know, you always have hope and you feel like that person is going to be your person.
Speaker A:And it's kind of not until the rubber hits the road that you realize is this person my person?
Speaker A:And so I did go back on the apps after I left that relationship.
Speaker A:But the interesting thing about that was I felt really comfortable, confident, content on my own.
Speaker A:And then I would do this thing that I was supposed to do because I was in my late 30s, I was single, I'm supposed to try and find somebody to have a child with.
Speaker A:You have to get yourself out there.
Speaker A:So I was getting myself out there.
Speaker A:And the only times that I didn't feel content, confident, happy was when I was doing the dating.
Speaker A:On the dating apps.
Speaker A:I would be doing this thing that I'm supposed to be doing and I would be recognizing the fact that I only ever feel bad about myself when I am doing this thing that I'm supposed to be doing.
Speaker A:Now if I was having multiple meetings a week with really genuine, kind Honest people who were really committed to sitting down with me and saying, is this something?
Speaker A:I would have had a different experience, but that is not my experience on a dating app.
Speaker A:What I had was conversations with people who would either love bomb the hell out of you and really give you the full boyfriend experience.
Speaker A:And then when you sort of decided that you would play along in the sense that you're like, okay, you're into me.
Speaker A:I'm sort of really open to seeing if this is something.
Speaker A:And then they would back right off.
Speaker A:And I'm not talking like you've turned around and said, okay, let's get married.
Speaker A:I'm just like, okay, I'm interested in this now and let's see where this goes.
Speaker A:And all of a sudden can't even see their dust.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So that sort of stuff would happen a lot.
Speaker A:And I just felt like these people don't care about me.
Speaker A:They don't know me, they owe me nothing.
Speaker A:So I'm walking into these situations and I'm a bit of a.
Speaker A:I don't know what the right word for it is.
Speaker A:If I see qualities in somebody that I like and I like them, I will give it a go and I will be focused on that and that person only.
Speaker A:I don't need to have the distraction of six other people to work out.
Speaker A:Like, are you good in the juggle of it?
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker A:Let me sit down with you.
Speaker A:Work out, do I want a second date, then I'll work out, Do I want a third date?
Speaker A:And let's just take it from that point.
Speaker A:And then when we realize, okay, this isn't right for both of us or one of us or whatever, let's move on to the next one.
Speaker A:I can't be juggling 10 people at once.
Speaker A:I can't be lying to this person about the fact that, yeah, you're the only person I'm going on a date with.
Speaker A:Meanwhile, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, I've got somebody else on the mix and the full time jobness of it to try and meet somebody.
Speaker A:The kind of number of people that you've got to get into the top of the funnel to get the conversion rates down to the point where you're like, I actually want to marry this.
Speaker A:I didn't have time for that, nor did I have the patience for it.
Speaker A:And when I realized I'm really happy on my own, I'm really not happy when I'm dating people who do not give two hoots about me, I was like, how about I just go down the path of the option where I feel pretty good and confident in myself and then I'll worry about the rest of it later.
Speaker A:And there hasn't been a single day since I had my daughter or even in the lead up in the pregnancy where I thought to myself, geez, I wish I'd done this with somebody.
Speaker A:Geez, I wish someone else was here.
Speaker A:Do I want another pair of hands?
Speaker A:Yes, I do.
Speaker A:Do I want a partner?
Speaker A:No, I don't.
Speaker A:So I am really, really glad.
Speaker A:And when I see the way she loves me and the way I love her and that she knows that she's loved and that she knows that she's taken care of, I feel really confident in the environment that I've brought her into and I feel really confident that I can support her and make her feel loved and accepted and wanted and in a really safe place to explore whoever she is.
Speaker A:And I'm confident I can do that on my own.
Speaker A:So yeah, I don't really feel like there's anything she's missed out on.
Speaker A:Even though I can really understand and appreciate the value of a good father, I have no doubt in my mind that if you are in a couple where you have a good man by your side, it would be a magical, magical thing.
Speaker A:But I don't look at couples that have that even and say, I wish I had that.
Speaker A:Is there something wrong with me?
Speaker A:I spoke to somebody recently who's become a solo mom and she said that this is what she's struggling with at the moment.
Speaker A:She's seeing people out and about in cafes and she's sort of looking at them in that couple and she is actually creeping into that wish that was me.
Speaker A:And I really felt for her because I think we're all taught to feel that way.
Speaker A:And I feel like if I had been released from this feeling and, and felt like I didn't have to go down this path a lot earlier, it would have just been damn freeing.
Speaker A:Then if you meet somebody, fantastic, you meet somebody.
Speaker A:But if you don't, you're not thinking, I've got to do the work, I've got to go out and meet people, I've got to do this.
Speaker A:This has got to be the way that I do things.
Speaker A:I sort of flicked a switch on that probably in my 30s, I guess I started to, to know actually this other path is the one for me.
Speaker A:Certainly when I left my last relationship, I started to feel like, no, this I think is my path.
Speaker A:And so I really became attached to that idea of being a solo mom.
Speaker A:I became almost I became almost.
Speaker A:Obsessed isn't the right word because that makes it sound a bit nuts.
Speaker A:But, like, I became so interested in the idea and felt like this was so my path.
Speaker A:I became a bit scared of meeting somebody.
Speaker A:I was off the dating apps entirely once I made the decision.
Speaker A:And that was a number of years, you know, because I realized I don't have time to meet somebody who I can build a strong enough relationship with to feel like if this goes belly up, then we will split in a good way.
Speaker A:I can't get to know somebody that deeply because I just don't have time because I'm, you know, potentially thinking about having a baby in a year or two years when my brain catches up with it.
Speaker A:So I was really, yeah, focused on this and felt like if I didn't jump in and do this, like, don't let Prince Charming ride over the hill right now.
Speaker A:Like, this is not the time for him to come.
Speaker A:I actually got quite terrified of meeting somebody that I wanted to explore more because I was like, I don't want to waste any more time.
Speaker A:I just want to do this baby thing and I want to move on with it.
Speaker A:And I feel now what I've created for my daughter is an example of what you can do to take some of the pressure off her.
Speaker A:I want her to see I wanted to have a family.
Speaker A:I wanted to create a loving, caring environment.
Speaker A:I couldn't do that on my own.
Speaker A:I did that on my own.
Speaker A:And it doesn't have to be that.
Speaker A:The only way for her to do it is to meet someone.
Speaker A:If she meets somebody, I mean, I bet what's going to happen is that she's going to, like, fall in love with somebody when she's 16 and they'll be like high school sweethearts and then together forever, you know, I feel like we always go the opposite way of our parent.
Speaker A:And if she does that, then I will be so happy for her if she finds a good, strong, loving, caring man.
Speaker A:Like, oh, what a magical, magical thing to have and to see your part, your kid go through.
Speaker A:But I am really glad that she has an example of what it could be so that she can take some of the pressure off herself, you know, so that she's like, you know, what if I find someone to find someone?
Speaker A:If I don't, My mum did it like this and she's really happy.
Speaker A:That's the example that I want to set.
Speaker A:And I feel like this is a really good example of what we can do as women now.
Speaker A:You know, I think equality has Always been a very important thing for me in a relationship.
Speaker A:And I think one of the other things and other reasons why I ended up wanting to go down this path was even the wonderful progressive men that I have dated in the past, even the ones that are pro women, want you to have a career, do all of that kind of stuff, who were attracted to me because I was a driven person who, you know, career is very important to me.
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker A:I don't make no apologies for it.
Speaker A:I wanted to go back to work at four months and I'm damn glad I did.
Speaker A:And I could not be a stay at home mom because work is what fuels me.
Speaker A:I love it.
Speaker A:I love to be useful, I love to do that.
Speaker A:It makes me feel good about myself and that in turn makes me a better mother.
Speaker A:But I did feel consistently, one of the things I kept coming up against with partnerships was that I felt that my drive was very attractive at the start, but that there was a sense that, well, I mean, this is cute, but like at a certain point you're going to back off it, right?
Speaker A:Because even though they wanted equality, equality, it became clear meant, but only if what I want comes slightly above what you want.
Speaker A:So if we get to any of those big life decisions like where do we live or any of that kind of stuff, you're just kind of kind of going to pull in line, right?
Speaker A:That's what's going to happen here.
Speaker A:So I realized if I wanted the freedom of a life where I could really do what would make me happy, then I kind of at that point needed to go out on my own.
Speaker A:I am not closed off to the idea of meeting somebody at all in the future.
Speaker A:But that person better have the approach that I do in have in a relationship, which is you and I together is better than you and I separate.
Speaker A:So we are both equally focused on the other person succeeding and growing and expanding.
Speaker A:Because being in a relationship actually does, if you are not with the right person, limit some of that.
Speaker A:There is compromise, and I'm all happy with compromise.
Speaker A:I got no problems with compromise, but compromise for somebody that will compromise for me and compromise that is getting you both to a better place eventually.
Speaker A:So that kind of teamwork, that team effort, I am all about that, but it is hard to find.
Speaker A:And when I couldn't find it, I was like, I am going to be much more content on my own.
Speaker A:And that is what I feel.
Speaker A:And I feel that that has helped me to create the kind of environment for Olivia that I want to create for her.
Speaker A:And if I find a loving relationship later.
Speaker A:Fantastic.
Speaker A:But am I weird, Carly, that I have not thought that a day?
Speaker A:It's very freeing not thinking that, because knowing what I felt years ago about wanting a relationship, it is a much better feeling to feel like that isn't even on the cards.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It was exhausting thinking that I needed to find somebody.
Speaker A:You know, I really found that really, really tiring.
Speaker A:So I'm grateful that I don't feel that way and that I feel very confident in this decision and how my life has panned out and how our life has panned out.
Speaker A:So thank you so much for the question.
Speaker A:Thank you to everyone who submitted a question.
Speaker A:As I said, you can just head into the description of the episode, click on the link and submit your question there.
Speaker A:And if you are enjoying the show, please share it with someone.
Speaker A:If you feel like leaving a review, I would absolutely love that.
Speaker A:I really do appreciate every single positive comment.
Speaker A:I haven't had any negatives yet, although somebody did give me a one star review and I find that quite a specific move.
Speaker A:I mean, if you think it's deserving of one star, that's totally fine.
Speaker A:Like this is all subjective, right?
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:I just put this out into the universe.
Speaker A:You consume it.
Speaker A:If you enjoy it, you enjoy it.
Speaker A:If you don't, you don't.
Speaker A:That's totally fine.
Speaker A:But it is.
Speaker A:I have listened to probably in my career, gosh, I don't know, hundred, I couldn't even count thousands of podcasts in my career to not like it.
Speaker A:And then to one star review.
Speaker A:It was a very specific plan.
Speaker A:But thank you.
Speaker A:I appreciate your thoughts and of course if I had any feedback in that one star review, I would take that on board.
Speaker A:But it was just a one star review and run.
Speaker A:So I do really appreciate all of your thoughts and and contact and I will, I promise, try and get back to everybody if I can.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for listening and I will see you next week.
