The weight of being someone's only person

Rachel Corbett: 00:00:02

Hello, welcome to the show. Today, I've got a question from Anthony.

I usually get questions from ladies, but I tell you what, men, if you're listening, I'm happy to get questions from you. And sometimes I wonder, are you guys in my head? Because the questions that you ask are really sometimes the things that I am grappling with.

And it's just nice, you know, when you talk about things and you realize, oh, other people feel exactly the same way. This is what I find a lot of this really helpful for me because I'm like, oh, I'm not the only one that thinks like this.

Anthony asked, do you think about your own mortality being a solo mom? If you passed away, Olivia would be by herself. Does that worry you, Anthony?

Things got real, real quick, but I actually am leaning so heavily into this question because I'm thinking about this so much. I've never thought about it so much in my entire life.

Yeah, I'm really worried about my health, my stress levels, my everything, you know, because I'm conscious that, sure, I can try and push past things, and I've always been someone who's been really healthy. I look after myself. I, you know, straight to the doctor if something happens. But I do take a lot on my plate.

I do do a lot more than I probably should.

And I have what I feel is a high capacity for stress, but it doesn't outwardly manifest until the point where it's a little too much, at which point then I've gone way, well and truly past the point at which I should have gone, and I'm falling apart at the seams.

So I am really conscious of what that balance is because I know that even though I could stay up till 11, 12, 1 o', clock trying to get all the stuff done for my business on top of my work and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, even with this podcast, sure, I could keep this on all year long.

I absolutely, absolutely break myself in the process, But I could do it, and I would love to do it. If I just had to sit down and not set up all of the lights and the camera and, you know, get everything sorted and do all this stuff.

I'd do it all day long if I had a team behind me that was doing this stuff.

But the fact that I have to do it all myself and factor it into my life, I have to set some boundaries for that kind of stuff because I'm already stretched in many different ways.

But I feel that I have to really prioritize looking after myself, particularly around stress Rest, all that kind of stuff, because the work that you put in now impacts you later in life. And having had two parents that I watched go through dementia, my mum had Alzheimer's, my dad had Lewy Body dementia.

I mean, the odds of that lottery ain't good. You know, I'm already a bit fearful about that. But there was huge cataclysmic, stressful events in the both my parents lives.

There was a lot that I see that I'm like, I just don't want that to happen to me.

And so I, I do, I think about it all the time and I have to be really mindful of things because it's really hard when you're trying to get everything done, to not say, you know what, I'll just stay on the computer for an extra hour tonight rather than go to sleep. It's so hard because that hour doesn't feel like much.

But that hour might mean the difference between you getting a good night's sleep and a bad night's sleep. And cumulatively over time has a massive impact on you and your health. And my child is an only child of a solo mom.

Like at a certain point you're like, I have to get at least to the point where she's 18 before things can fall off, you know, because that she is my responsibility.

And even at that point, I don't want her to ever have to go through what I went through with my parents, particularly because I'm an older mom, so she's not going to have a massive amount of time with me before that sort of life happens. Was the same with my mum and dad. My mum was very young when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She was 58, she'd passed away by 68.

My father was an older father. My dad didn't have me until he was 43, similar to my age. And so, you know, I spent my 20s to early 40s basically caring for sick parents.

And that's the sort of time where you're supposed to be fanging around, having a great time, being really selfish, not worrying about any of that of stuff, particularly the time with my dad because I was his sole carer, basically. And you're still trying to develop a career and build things up around your life.

And, you know, at that time I was still trying to date and to fit all that kind of stuff into my life, thinking I'm, I'm supposed to be trying to meet someone here to build a relationship and it was just absolutely impossible with the pressure of looking after my father. You know, it was all I could do to just kind of maintain everything that I was maintaining.

And that was really important to me because I didn't want, when he went to feel like I was starting from scratch at that point, because then I feel like I would resent things because it's a lot harder for me to start.

So I was like, I've just got to keep all of these balls in the air through this time, because then when he goes, at least I've got something that's already got a bit of momentum that I can keep rolling. I'm not starting from scratch.

And so my experience through that phase weighs heavily on me with Olivia, because I know what that was like to live through. I know I'll be a similar age to my father when my daughter gets to those ages. You know, if genetics plays a part, I'm pretty much stuffed.

You know, I want to be here to experience things with her. And I think one of the things that I really didn't anticipate, right, I knew I was going to love my child for sure. I like her so much. I like her. If.

If I didn't know her, I'd want to be her friend. She is a good time. She's a great person. She's funny, she's engaging, she's interesting. She is really good to hang out with.

And I think all of this time where she's got those elements of her personality, but those are the, you know, you. You. You're hanging onto that in those glimmers of bits, because most of this time is the hard parenting bit.

So, you know, I'm waiting for the day where we can go and do things and be able to get out and about a lot more. Because she's a more fully functioning human. No, she's fully functioning, but you know what I mean?

And I think about all the years I have ahead of us and all of the years that I want to be able to enjoy her. And so, oh, I might tear up at this because it really does make me fearful that I won't get enough time with her. And I don't think that.

I don't think, honestly, forever it'd ever be enough time with her. But I think about it a lot, and it worries me, and I've never worried about that before. Honestly.

I've always been the type of person, even though, you know, it's not like I've. I've lived a life that's anything overly exceptional, but I've always felt like I'm pretty happy with how My life's gone.

And prior to my daughter getting here, I was like, you know what? If I went tomorrow, I'd be like, I've done an alright job of this. Like, I think this.

I've done the best that I can, but now I'm just like, I'm hanging on. Don't. You don't. No. No buses. No buses. Stay away. You know, I'm like, I want to be here to like, revel in this and to really enjoy it.

So, yeah, I think about it a lot, Anthony, I really do. And it's so interesting that you drop that question in because it just hits different.

It hits so different because you're also so conscious of what you leave behind, but also what impact that has on them. And it's really hard to lose a parent before it's time. So, yeah, I think this is even more of a encouragement for me to, like, be better to myself.

Make sure, like, get the meditating happening, go and do the ice baths, get them, you know, like, look after yourself as much as is possible when you're trying to solo parent a child and, and do everything else on top. But I think that stuff's usually the stuff that gets chucked to the back. And I'm lucky that I've always, like, been. I love exercise.

For me, it's all about mental health. So that's something that's kind of so ingrained in me that I don't really need to try and make that happen, except for the fact that I have no time.

So I don't go nearly as much as I would like to go. But I think the other stuff can really fall off because it's the easiest stuff to. Oh, well, I meditate today.

Oh, no, I'll do this because I've got to get this done for blah, blah, blah, that. And that's the stuff that matters and makes a difference to your mental health, your day, your life, eventually.

So this is another good reminder, Anthony, that I really got to keep on top of that stuff. I appreciate that question and I appreciate the depth of it, too. I appreciate you not shying away from something that is.

It's a big one and it's one that a lot of people don't want to talk about and they want to avoid. And I think, again, having gone through this with two parents, if I can give you any advice when you have kids, talk about it, talk about it.

And for the love of God, I mean, this is a. This is for a whole nother podcast.

And I will not go into the detail, but just have everything recorded, have everything in one place and have everything in your legal name. That is all I'm going to say. Because I am currently in the biggest punish of a nightmare situation.

Because 45 years ago, you didn't need to use identification to do anything. And you could open up anything, anywhere with just a wink and a smile.

And then if your daughter is responsible for getting access to that stuff after you pass away and there's no documentation that has your name being that name, then you've just created a ring, real punish for your child, may he rest in peace. Anyway, that is cryptic, but it's what I'm living through right now.

And anybody who listens to this show who knows me knows what I'm talking about and they know it's annoying. Thanks, dad. Thank you for your question, Anthony.

If you have got a question, just head to the description of the episode and if you are enjoying the show, please rate it, review it and share it with your mates. All right, I'll see you next week.