The days when you want to walk out of your own life

Rachel Corbett: 00:00:02

Hello, welcome. Things might get a bit dark today.

Not because I've had a terrible week or anything, but just because I was talking last episode around what a surprise and delight I had around the time that I had with my kid, and how I saw some real glimmers of hope and some light at the end of the tunnel because we had some really good time together where it felt like we were actually two people spending time together, not just a husk of a human trying to stop the other human from running into things all the time. And that was really magical.

But it was interesting because prior to that kind of feeling, there were definitely a few days, because at the end of last year, I had a real pickle with sleep and I could not get my head around what the F was going on.

Now, I am no sleep expert, but I have spent enough money talking to sleep consultants because, as you all know from a previous episode, sleep was one of the most important things on my list of things, and I do not have the expertise. So as soon as something goes a little awry, I'm straight on the phone.

We were sleep training early, so I like to lean on the expertise of others in that department.

And I knew from a previous issue that we'd had where she was getting up at like 5:00am, 4:45am or whatever, that it was actually about her being overtired. And we'd had a couple of days at daycare where she'd had like 19 minutes sleep or something, and then she had a day where she had no sleep.

And so I was trying to put her to bed earlier and it kind of wasn't working. She was still waking up really early.

And so what I ended up kind of realizing again after calling a sleep consultant and having a consultation was that she was actually in the process of dropping her nap. But the couple of daycare days here and there was stuffing things up and actually kind of masking what the real problem was.

But it was a clear indication, like, this kid is not ready to have no nap, because when she has no nap, things go haywire. But at the same time, I had to work out, well, where's the new sweet spot with her nap? Because she was having like an hour and a half.

There were times in my life when she had three hours. Oh, God, those glory, glory days. Anyway, we're now chipping away at it slowly but surely.

And so we were at an hour and a half, but that was clearly too long for her. And so I sort of chipped away an hour and 15, and then I did an hour and 10 and this whole process took like five weeks.

It was a really long period of her getting up super effing early and me feeling like I was going to lose my mind because it was at the end of the year before holiday started really. I think I just managed to kind of get it in check sort of as soon as the holidays began.

I think by that stage we were just coming out of the woods of it. But in the lead up to that, it was a relentless, relentless period of wake ups and being called out to at four something, five something.

I would go back in there and put her back down to sleep because I was like, it's not time to get up now. But by that stage the damage is done. And bless her, she's not a difficult child, right? So she likes direction, she likes rules. She's like me.

And so I would go in there and I say, it's not time to get up yet. And I would pop it back to bed and bless her, she would give it a crack and she's like, okay, I have, I haven't got. It's not time to wake up yet.

And she would do what she'd been asked. She would lay down for a little bit more, but that little bit more would be five minutes.

And at that point you're like, I'm not going to go back in there 50 times and keep getting it a lay down and get up. Like we're just starting our goddamn day at 4:45. And so when that was happening, I was just a broken mess, to be honest.

And work was so intense at the end of last year, there was so much going on.

I am one of those people where it matters to greatly that if there is stuff happening in my life outside of work, I feel like the people that you are dealing with in that environment don't deserve to have your crap come in the room with you. So I am very firm on keeping things out of the room when I'm in the room so that I can be there and be present.

And you know, I really got to say like if you are one of those people where if you have a bad day and you roll in and everybody's then got to have a bad day alongside you, well, you can just get out of my life, you know, I got absolutely no interest in that. And you can just totter off to another room and leave me in here with my positive vibes because you're bringing nothing to the table right now.

And I don't need this energy around me. I know That a lot of this stem from, like, my childhood. Let's go back and, like, have a therapy session here.

But I was around a lot of people where their energy impacted my enjoyment, my life. And I just remember thinking, even from a young age, like, why am I in this situation? Like, I didn't do anything wrong. Why am I feeling this way?

Because you are just dragging me through this with you.

So then I flash forward into a career in radio in the early years, and I worked with a lot of people that you try and have a great show in a studio where someone's got the shits. That used to really bug me when someone will walk in in a bad mood and I'm like, it's not my fault you had a fight with your wife last night.

Zip it up and make me laugh you a hole. Let's get it together.

So anyway, all of this is to say that I am very keen on not bringing my shit to work or any other environment, because I don't think that's the time and the place for it. But by the end of last year, I did kind of feel bits of this are creeping in.

Not in any visible way, but I know internally I'm kind of up to pussy's bow, as they say, you know, And I think I'm managing to keep a lid on it. But internally, I feel like my eyeballs are melting. And I don't like this feeling so much because.

Because if I allow my eyeballs to melt for long enough, eventually someone will see those eyeballs melting. And that's not where I want to be. So at that point, you know, I started to think all manner of things. I need to blow up my life.

I need to quit my job. This is, you know, because you are just so deeply, distressingly wired and you're so tired after such a period of exhaustion.

And I think the interesting thing is I went back to work at four months. Early on, I was getting up three times a night and still going to work. But at that time, was I exhausted? Yes, I was. But that was the expectation.

That was what I knew was going to happen. That was where we were at. I was going back to work. I wanted to go back to work. This is my life right now. I've got a kid feeding overnight.

I've got to just do this. I think it's almost harder when you think you've gotten out of that stage and you're like, no, no, I've got a kid that sleeps through the night.

And then all of a sudden you're Back waking up at 4am and you're like, what fresh hell is this? I'm sorry. And I like to wake up at 5 o' clock in the morning. I don't like it, but I do it because I want some time before my daughter wakes up.

So I can wake up at 5 o' clock in the morning just fine if I've got some time to myself. But if I wake up at 5 or 4:45, by the screams of a child who's like, mommy, come in here.

Now that I'm, I'm feeling so exhaust for the rest of the day. And not only do you start to think, okay, well, I need to blow up my life.

And it's interesting now with a bit of perspective and a few days off here and there over the Christmas period where you go, okay, thank God, perspective takes over. There were also days where I just wanted to walk out of my life. And I think this is where the solo mum or the solo parent thing becomes the hardest.

When there is no tap out, there's no, I am battling. I need to go to Pilates for an hour this morning, so can you look after the kid? There's none of that. There's no, I'm going to lose my mind.

I need to go for a walk around the block or I need to go out for two hours or I just need a tap out. There's none of that. You just have to keep on going.

And when you're at that sort of point where your sleep is stuffed, you're trying to maintain all of your other priorities, everything's ready. Like, I just felt like there were times when I'm not gonna say I was a bad mum because I don't believe that.

And I think we're too quick to say that and I don't think that's true. Like, you know, if you, if you have a bit of a blow up every now and then, you're not a bad mum. You just hit your limit.

And I know like I, my priority is her and I care about her and I love her. I'm not a bad mom. I'm just overstretched, you know.

But there were moments where I'm like, I'm not proud of this moment and I am hitting my limit about something that's a pain in the ass. Let me be very clear. I'm not losing my top because she's doing a dance in the lounge room.

It's usually I'm losing my top because she's done something really annoying. But the fact that I Do lose my top.

There were a lot of moments late last year where I was in that period where I was just like, I actually just want to close the door, walk down the stairs and walk away. But you can't, can you? You can't do that. And it's not about leaving your child. It's not about not wanting this life.

It's not about any of those kind of things.

It's just about needing the smallest bit of relief to, like, just turn that release valve on the pressure cooker slightly so that you've just got space to build up a bit more steam. And I just felt like my pressure cooker was at the absolute maximum. And it was really. And naturally, all of these other things start creeping up.

You start thinking, you've got to quit your job. I need to blow up my business. I need to, you know, maybe I've chosen the wrong life path. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You just, like, nothing's really functioning in the right way.

I think it has been very good for me in some ways because it's really made me think about what I have committed to this past year and what I'm going to commit to this year.

I would say having a business and, you know, having like, this podcast and other podcasts, you know, things that you want to keep alive and you want them to thrive and you want them to grow, you can sometimes. Or I can sometimes feel like, oh, I've got to be doing all this stuff to, you know, market it or to do this, to do that.

And so I did so much additional stuff. I'd. Honestly, my business had been on a bit of a break in a way. Like, I hadn't done any content. I hadn't had my podcast for my business.

I didn't have this podcast before last year, so I had a lot more space. And then last year, I put this podcast on. I put my podcast for my business back on. I started to do some more stuff for my business.

I started doing more content online. I was actually an utter moron.

You know, I lent into all this stuff because I wanted to kind of give it a real crack to get these personal projects firing. And it just ran me out of juice, you know. And this year I'm just going to be so much smarter.

I think that's probably one of the good things that's come out of that period. And some of those moments at the end of last year where I just thought, this is. I'm actually going to break here, is that you start to reflect.

I mean, isn't it annoying, though, that we are the type of creatures that need to get to the end, the utter end of what we can manage before we feel like we should assess what we're doing. You have to break to then turn around and say, you know what?

Maybe some of these things aren't serving me, or I'm not doing them in the smartest way that I possibly can. And I think this year for me is about doing less. I don't want to quit anything, unfortunately.

It would be so much easier if I was just like, I just want to. To can my business, or I just want to quit my job, but I want to keep my job. I love my job. I want to keep my business. I love my business.

I want to keep my podcast. I love my podcast. But how can I do it in a way that doesn't mean that I have to be everywhere, all over, at all times?

Like, does it really matter if I don't post on social media about these things? Does it really matter if I'm not in all places? You know, it feels a bit like that if a tree falls in the woods.

Like, if I'm not talking about my business or the podcast, like, how will anybody know? It's like, who cares? I'm definitely going to think about how to work smarter, not harder, this year.

Because if I want to do all of these things and I don't want to give anything up, well, then I better work out how to do it so that I can be a good mom. Because the worst bit is not, oh, I got less listeners on my podcast. It's like, oh, I yelled at my daughter and I shouldn't have yelled.

You know, that's the bit, like the pressure valve releases on the people that we love the most.

And I really want to be able to put up with as much as I can put up with, not beat myself up if I can't handle the pressure, because I know it is a lot, but also just give myself a bit more bandwidth. That is my goal this year, is to just give myself a bit more bandwidth and to feel like I can let some things go.

Because I think we all obsess about things that just aren't as important as we think they are. And then when we do all this stuff, like last year, I did so much stuff, and I can't even tell you that it significantly moved the needle.

Like, I did a big, you know, social media. I was posting on kind of everything because I wanted to see what platforms work, what platforms don't. At the end of the day.

way, so you know, it might be: 2016

You just might hear me here every week. You might not see a damn thing online about it. You know, who knows? If I can't fit it in, I'm not going to do it. I'm going to keep turning up.

I'm going to keep showing up for you. But you know what? Maybe it's just a secret place that nobody else on the Internet knows about. Wouldn't that be a great thing? Anyway, one can dream.

Speaking of, if you are enjoying this show, then please send me an email. You know, I'd love to, always love to hear from you. And you can also always submit a question via the link in the description of the episode.

If there are any things about the solo mum life that you're like, why the f would you do that? That sounds like a dumb idea. You might look at my life and go, that is the silliest, silliest thing somebody do. And there's a lot of us out there.

Oh, goodness, we're growing by the day. We are growing by the day. All right, I think I'm going to go and have a lie down now. Knackered. And it's the year of do less.

All right, see you next week.